Sometimes all this feels like a huge disappointment

wh..sh · Post by **wh..sh** » Fri Oct 14, 2011 9:55 am

As I have been reflecting upon my burning man experience, I came across this article -
http://blog.burningman.com/2011/09/play ... y_friends/
This blog resonates so much with my emotions after burning man.

In all honesty, sometimes I feel burning man might not be the thing for me. Aftermath for a first time burner can be filled with disappointment, blues. Its normal.
But most of the burner buddies I have made and I enjoyed have really not stayed beyond that week's time. Even thought I have made efforts to stay in touch.
Somehow no one warned me about how transient (as the author calls it) things are at burning man. I was caught unaware. I know a lot of them who have made friends for life, but somehow it didn't work for me.
I know living in the moment is a key thing, but I hard thing to do. I dont even know if I want such momentry "friends" because it IS unreal. And it leaves so much to hope for.
Is it normal to feel a huge disappointment with burner buddy concept... after a month?

What is an attitude one must carry? No expectations? It doesn't feel right.

A Jester · Post by **A Jester** » Fri Oct 14, 2011 10:01 am

You should do something that keeps you in contact with people year round. Join a theme camp, volunteer for a department, be active in your local burner community...

Burners aren't so incredibly different from regular people that they will all be your new best friend. You still have to earn your relationships. A lot of people are extra friendly on playa, but it sounds like you might not have met the right ones.

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Fri Oct 14, 2011 10:14 am

When we are at the burn, we are very much in "holiday mode." Bringing those more open ways of seeing and feeling to your day to day life is difficult, part of why this month is called "decompression." Burningman may or may not be for you. I would argue that not keeping in touch with playa acquaintences one month after your first burn isn't much indicative of anything. Ask yourself how you feel in January about the whole thing.

junglesmacks · Post by **junglesmacks** » Fri Oct 14, 2011 10:17 am

Burn for yourself, not for the quest for others. As with anything, it's all what you directly make of it.

Zero expectations. I mean really all it is, is a camping trip in the desert, right?

It's what you make of it.

MOOP_Czar · Post by **MOOP_Czar** » Fri Oct 14, 2011 10:36 am

I am 43.

I have one friend from high school.

I have one maybe two frinds left-over from college.

Everyone I have met since is either an acquaintance or a "work friend".

There are people I know who I could go hang out with - KK, or BBS for example, but lifelong, best buddies?

I have 2 maybe 3.

That isnt a bad thing.

Of those, there is only one who would risk their life for me, or that I would risk my life for.

My wife is the other person on this earth I would die for.

Her first of course.

Point being, I guess, what is it you were looking for and why were you looking for anything?

Of course, I also, likely, have a touch of schizoid personality disorder or Aspergers - jury is still out.

So I may be totally fucked on this one.

Post by **Elderberry** » Fri Oct 14, 2011 10:52 am

Friends aren't born in a day, or a week. They are cultivated over time. My first burn, I didn't know anybody except for my partner--who seemed to know everybody.

Then I met up with some of these people at the decompression. Then, because of camp organizational meetings, etc. Contact increased. Now I know many people that I feel connected too.

I got active on eplaya, and my third year I attended a meet-n-greet. Met a whole lot of people I had been talking/laughing/arguing/sharing with the whole year and the connections only grew.

Interestingly, when I first started going, I had only John's friends, then I found my own friends. Many of those people I actually see a few times a year, or maybe no times a year other than at burning, but many I consider among my best friends. Only until I evolved to this stage was I able to really understand what it meant when the greeters would say "Welcome home."

Post by **Savannah** » Fri Oct 14, 2011 10:52 am

Hey wh..sh. I didn't make "friends for life" 'til my 4th Burn, & I didn't know it at the time--not for months. Prior to that 4th Burn, I walked alone or with a hometown friend most nights. During the day, when I met interesting strangers on the playa, we talked in weirdly open ways about our lives for an hour, & when our water ran out, we'd cheerfully part ways & I would never see them again. I called them "Sixteen-ounce friends". (I have since upgraded to a 32 oz. canteen, but it doesn't have the same ring to it). For some reason I didn't struggle with deep short-term connections--maybe 'cause I'm shy and I don't like trying to figure out if someone wants to remain friends. But I do continue to struggle with the transient nature of almost everything in life worth having. Living in a temporary city and seeing beautiful things burn has helped me a lot over the years, however.

I can't technically know I will always maintain contact with my current Burner friends, though I suspect and hope so.

It can take a while to find your tribe. (I honestly wasn't looking, because I didn't think they existed.) Maybe your People are at Burning Man. Maybe they aren't. I know you don't want to hear this, but your expectations are a bit high. That's probably not your fault, because people often persist in trying to tell you about how Burning Man will change your life or guarantee unbreakable ties. They mean well, but they are speaking only for themselves. No one can really know.

I do think the recommendation to get involved at a local level is sound. If you're on Facebook, search your area. And click "Regionals" at the top of the main Burning Man website. You have little to lose.

NessaZee · Post by **NessaZee** » Fri Oct 14, 2011 11:06 am

wh..sh wrote:What is an attitude one must carry? No expectations? It doesn't feel right.

Not having expectations is key.
'no expectations' is not synonymous with a 'lack of standards'. it just means not being attached to a particular outcome.
going with the flow. one can enjoy what they do even when it's not what they 'want' to do.
if you find that you are disappointed about something, maybe explore why you had certain expectations in the first place.

relationships are hard. period. we try to treat others how we'd like to be treated...but treating ourselves this same way has got to be the single most challenging task i've encountered. Once one starts to really respect themselves, it seems all other relationships simply fall into place.

BRC fills people with inspiration. Just being there cements my belief that anything is possible... It's very easy to make soulful connections and be completely sincere with intentions to stay in touch when you are running around high on love and life. For many people, that 'high' stays on the playa. BRC and daily life are like two extremes on a huge spectrum. finding the balance is difficult.

Ugly Dougly · Post by **Ugly Dougly** » Fri Oct 14, 2011 11:42 am

NessaZee wrote:Not having expectations is key.

+ 1234567890
And a big <3 to Nessa too!

Post by **trilobyte** » Fri Oct 14, 2011 12:04 pm

Simply having attended Burning Man doesn't actually do much. It's a magical place filled with magical people and crazy art and great parties, but it won't fix your life or fill any voids in it. You do that. One of the things I learned from the event is that we create our own reality. If you want to stay in touch with that awesome neighbor or playa friend, it takes some work. Odds are they don't live on your block back in defaultia, so it may not be easy. But it can be done. If you didn't do any of the obvious stuff like swap contact info, try looking up camp names or even posting on the Lost Humans board (to find specific people).

If there are things you enjoyed out there that you're not getting in your daily life, look for ways to change that or 'take it off the playa' as some call it. Learning to live more in the moment can be really hard for some folks, and doesn't happen overnight. It's also possible that Burning Man isn't your thing - we're all different, and what works for one person doesn't necessarily work for everyone.

NessaZee · Post by **NessaZee** » Fri Oct 14, 2011 12:10 pm

Ugly Dougly wrote:
NessaZee wrote:Not having expectations is key.
+ 1234567890
And a big <3 to Nessa too!

awe, yay!
((((UD))))

BBadger · Post by **BBadger** » Fri Oct 14, 2011 1:25 pm

I didn't go to BM to make new friends, but for the friends I did go with the friendships were reinforced. I got to take that home, which was great.

graidawg · Post by **graidawg** » Fri Oct 14, 2011 2:42 pm

I've been throgh this both ways. BM has changed my life and it hasn't.

I have made freinds i think i will die talking to, and others i won't. some of the people i met are so much more than i thought they would be and one isn't. One thing is for sure, it's not like anything i thought it might be.

over a month since i left and i still have no idea what happenned there for me, I miss being there so much.

wh..sh · Post by **wh..sh** » Fri Oct 14, 2011 5:36 pm

I didnt go with any expectations except to survive and have a good time.
But while I was there I did see potential for friendship. Lot of them presented themselves to me without me searching out for them, but they disappeared just as fast

Maybe I learnt my lesson... or not!

wh..sh · Post by **wh..sh** » Fri Oct 14, 2011 5:37 pm

graidawg wrote:over a month since i left and i still have no idea what happenned there for me, I miss being there so much.

So true!

Canoe · Post by **Canoe** » Fri Oct 14, 2011 6:51 pm

There's that whole ships passing in the night thing, only applied to friends. The comment about "holiday friends" is very appropriate. We tend to compartmentalize our friends and different ones survive the years. With one week a year, BM is very compartmentalized from the start. And it's way more emotionally charged than a holiday week, be it at the same camp ground, shared train ride, a club style resort, cruise or sharing the same B&B on an island.

Only with BM you get another chance to possibly meet up with them again, bet it next year, or finding them in the photos or videos others post, or through the even through the posts on ePlaya. More than anything, it's the hope/reassurance of seeing those I met before and seeing they've survived another year. On playa, with some it's seeing they've survived to another day.

And there's 50,000 of us there, with a large portion with at least some common values with our own, so a high likely hood to find like-minds. Or having your mind expanded and finding even more like-minds.
But then, I saw thousands, met hundreds and talked with dozens.

But, BM attendance is only one aspect of one's life, as it should be. If BM is your whole life, you need to branch out and build a life.

There was one guy at recycle at Keystone after the Burn. Kept saying how he absolutely hated Burning Man. Why? What didn't you like?
I don't know, anything, everything, I hate it every year...

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Fri Oct 14, 2011 6:56 pm

graidawg wrote:some of the people i met are so much more than i thought they would be and one isn't.

(Gee, I hope I'm not that guy.)

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Fri Oct 14, 2011 7:09 pm

I"ve been thinking about this some more.

My first five burns sucked. 2002-05 I went with my boyfriend, then husband. I love the man dearly, and he loved me, but we were not a good playa fit. He went to be a medic and gladly work 12 hour days, and more, leaving me hanging. We stay at one or the other ESD camp, and while people were friendly and kind I was an outsider--I couldn't or didn't join in what was most important to them. It was difficult to leave camp, because Scott expected me to be there and to help him decompress from the whole intensity of it. and I felt pissy, abandoned and trapped.
And then in 06 I attended to be at whatever playa memorial there was for him. (Which was an epic fail, and we'll leave it at that.)
But I had joined the board in September 03, and was slowly making friends here. And in 06 I went with a camp that had coalesced around Tisha's Bar Thread. And they petted me and nurtured me and while many horrible things happened the were kind and they did care.
Anyway, I've been three times in the past five years and I don't know what kind of relevance that has to my story.
But what did happen, way at the beginning is I got introduced to some of Scott's friends from the Rangers. Including the heroine of my story, T. When Scott died, she came over and helped me clean for the post-service get together. I remember sitting on the couch, crying or something. she was a real help, but you know, the first six months of widow hood don't really stick in your mind too well.
And I never fucking wanted it to happen to her.
She hasn't been to the event in years. She was in a mixed marriage (husband was from a different volunteer department) and they were separated, and she got some crap from his department, but that old group of rangers is rallying around her. (Me too. Damn straight I'm going to give back what I can of what she gave me.)

So it does work, or it can work. I'm not going to say that the solution is to join the Rangers. Whatever the ranger corps is like now, it's different than it was ten years ago.

Okay, enough babbling.

wh..sh · Post by **wh..sh** » Sat Oct 15, 2011 12:28 pm

That was some heavy stuff theCryptofishist. Its true that some people stand by us as we cry and make it through the day, they are the ones who are truely worth it. Hugs to you and T.
Thanks for sharing your story. Puts things in perspective.

wh..sh · Post by **wh..sh** » Sat Oct 15, 2011 12:29 pm

Canoe wrote:There was one guy at recycle at Keystone after the Burn. Kept saying how he absolutely hated Burning Man. Why? What didn't you like?
I don't know, anything, everything, I hate it every year...

Maybe I am one of those people who will keep wondering every year "why burning man?"

Post by **Eric** » Sat Oct 15, 2011 1:50 pm

wh..sh wrote:
Canoe wrote:There was one guy at recycle at Keystone after the Burn. Kept saying how he absolutely hated Burning Man. Why? What didn't you like?
I don't know, anything, everything, I hate it every year...
Maybe I am one of those people who will keep wondering every year "why burning man?"

You may be one of the people who decide Burning Man just isn't for them, and that's fine as well. Like I've said elsewhere on the forums, one of my closest friends went for 3 or 4 years and realized, "hey, I could be in Thailand on a beach for this money". The next year he was in Thailand on a beach, and much happier. Hasn't been back since, has no desire to come back.

You have the freedom to decide if it's just not for you, but if you're not sure, give it another year. You should know after that where your feelings lie.

robrob · Post by **robrob** » Mon Oct 17, 2011 12:33 pm

i felt the opposite of that blog poster... burning man lit a fire, and i've been super active with my local community since that first trip to the playa; it's very much made a *huge* impact on my *REAL FRIENDS* roster.

though, on the flipside, i will say i don't get the point of all the "missed connection" posts of folks that had an amazing moment/night/week whatever with someone and now want to try and track them down in the real world. you had your moment with a beautiful stranger. cherish the memory and move on.

whatever. i guess the point i am making (or not) is that everyone's burn- and what they get out of it- is different. and like folks have said, maybe it's just not your thing :/

Ugly Dougly · Post by **Ugly Dougly** » Mon Oct 17, 2011 1:33 pm

No matter where you go, there you are.

Or as Yoda said, when Luke asked what was in there, "Only that which you bring in with you."

Simon of the Playa · Post by **Simon of the Playa** » Thu Oct 20, 2011 10:39 am

*serious face*

it was the first time that i felt i was myself, and the also the first time i did not feel alone in a crowd.

thats why i keep going back.

alright, enough adulation on all of you fuckos who i love so dearly, back to my mask...

Post by **Savannah** » Thu Oct 20, 2011 10:54 am

pinemom · Post by **pinemom** » Thu Oct 20, 2011 11:01 am

+2 SOP!

I felt alone out there...in "not my fault world".
I had friends...(life gets busy friends)
I, at times couldnt see art in front of me?

Not like a religious sudden bright light, rather a total change of all the expectations of my life.
When I began giving them up, it all became so much easier.Its a challenge still today, but seeing a expectation face to face changes alot!

In that same moment my life became fully enriched with more then friends...family. Like Ive never ever ever ever felt before.
The event, hehehee Ya thats the shit!
But even in the year...I look forward to each one in its uniqueness in a time to share with you in person or online.

Oh and Savannah,
:: "that I called them "Sixteen-ounce friends". (I have since upgraded to a 32 oz. canteen, but it doesn't have the same ring to it)"::

Is priceless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I carry the canteen, the playa provides the never ending magic that keeps it overflowing.

Isotopia · Post by **Isotopia** » Thu Oct 20, 2011 11:10 pm

In all honesty, sometimes I feel burning man might not be the thing for me.

Well, then. It seems it's time for you to start your own fucking riot.

If it's so much a disappointment then, maybe you should stop looking at it less as a spectator and more as a participant or...

show the rest of us poor schmucks how to do it better.

wh..sh · Post by **wh..sh** » Fri Oct 21, 2011 11:07 am

Isotopia wrote: Well, then. It seems it's time for you to start your own fucking riot.

If it's so much a disappointment then, maybe you should stop looking at it less as a spectator and more as a participant or...

show the rest of us poor schmucks how to do it better.

I am just raising a genuine concern as a first time burner. Why the anger?
The transient nature of things is quite opposed to what we look for as humans. Not everyone readily jumps in and feels like they are "home".
The key to feeling home is to find your place. People take their own sweet time to find that. Infact, I heard this sentiment of loneliness from considerable number of people.
It's not wrong, its just another feeling people feel. Maybe participating will change the perspective and I have full intention of doing that.

Nipple · Post by **Nipple** » Fri Oct 21, 2011 1:52 pm

I think it's because there's a long tradition of "radical self reliant expression."

You'll also see the phrase "Do-ocracy". If you see something you don't like, fix it.

Also: This thing is a lot of different things to a lot of different people. It's also not for everyone.

RedHeaven · Post by **RedHeaven** » Fri Oct 21, 2011 7:34 pm

Wow great thread. I was just thinking about all this kind of stuff.

I have found in my 6 years of burning that each person I meet out there is different when it comes to playa/reality friend.
Some I have stayed in touch with because I have built friendships in the live music scene outside of Bman and we experience Bman together, so our relationships grow on playa too.
Some people i meet there become friends in "real life" because geography and circumstance allows it.
Some people I have met and have fleeted me.
Some have fleeted me at the burn itself.
Others have fleeted me after the burn for various reasons.
I am the kind of person that is not afraid of having a relationship and friendship beyond the week.
Not everyone is like me.....Some are, though!

My theory, I would rather experience and feel than not at all. And some lasting vibes in the rough of transient, Kinda like real life but on hyper speed.

I admit, I go to BMan to connect with others as well as have my own personal burn for myself. But I have to give my love unconditionally.
Just practicing Love is good for me I think. I can emotionally handle it but I can totally understand where it would confuse and hurt others.
For me, it adds poetry to my life....inspiration. If my heart is broken, I can always take out those feelings thru creativity.
And so I return.
But I can also understand how it hurts.

Life doesnt always give us simple gifts. sometimes we have to take them instead

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