Suicidal Tendencies

[maryanimal]

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were -- I have not seen
As others saw -- I could not bring
My passions from a common spring --
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow -- I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone --
And all I lov'd -- I lov'd alone --


Then -- in my childhood -- in the dawn
Of a most stormy life -- was drawn
From ev'ry depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still --
From the torrent, or the fountain --
From the red cliff of the mountain --
From the sun that 'round me roll'd
In its autumn tint of gold --
From the lightning in the sky
As it pass'd me flying by --
From the thunder, and the storm --
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view --


...

[Elliot]

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were -- I have not seen
As others saw -- I could not bring
My passions from a common spring --
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow -- I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone --
And all I lov'd -- I lov'd alone --


Then -- in my childhood -- in the dawn
Of a most stormy life -- was drawn
From ev'ry depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still --
From the torrent, or the fountain --
From the red cliff of the mountain --
From the sun that 'round me roll'd
In its autumn tint of gold --
From the lightning in the sky
As it pass'd me flying by --
From the thunder, and the storm --
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view --


...

Pretty straight forward as poetry goes, I suppose, but I'll venture my reading of it:

From childhood's hour I have not been As others were --
I have not seen As others saw --
I could not bring My passions from a common spring --
From the same source I have not taken My sorrow --
I could not awaken My heart to joy at the same tone --
And all I lov'd -- I lov'd alone --

[maryanimal]

Elliot
Pretty straight forward as poetry goes, I suppose, but I'll venture my reading of it:

From childhood's hour I have not been As others were --
I have not seen As others saw --
I could not bring My passions from a common spring --
From the same source I have not taken My sorrow --
I could not awaken My heart to joy at the same tone --
And all I lov'd -- I lov'd alone --

...same here.

[ygmir]

I stand naked……..
Smoke, water, dark water.

To float or fly,
It matters not…….

Just to touch, and be touched….
No, no, not for me.

The dark, the silent.
Why, why do these things.

I’ve not transgressed.
Not deserving.

But, I do receive…

Humiliate,
Love means pain,
I must not touch, must not be.

To press my face against the window,
Hear the songs, see the smiles…….

“you can’t play”
but here, if you’ll do this, you can help.

You don’t belong,
But, you can stand near, and pretend.

[Elliot]

Elliot
Pretty straight forward as poetry goes, I suppose, but I'll venture my reading of it:

From childhood's hour I have not been As others were --
I have not seen As others saw --
I could not bring My passions from a common spring --
From the same source I have not taken My sorrow --
I could not awaken My heart to joy at the same tone --
And all I lov'd -- I lov'd alone --

...same here.

No matter how poets shuffle words and lines according to their own whim, we understand about marching to one's own drum and feeling lonely therefore.

[gaminwench]

Elliot,

Will you be with me all the way through the translation and tattooing?

(sort of like a labor coach for pregnancy?

[Elliot]

Elliot,

Will you be with me all the way through the translation and tattooing?

(sort of like a labor coach for pregnancy?

Would you respect me in the morning?

[theCryptofishist]

We went close to 24 hours with no post on this thread. So presumably none of us is currently practicing knot-tying while standing on an upturned bucket.

well, I tried...

[theCryptofishist]

Since we're reciting poetry, I'll off up something from the Divine Miss Parker:

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

[gaminwench]

it's all about respect, Elliot;

I'll respect you if you're still there...

[theCryptofishist]

My viking of the day. Frockcoat viking. Maybe a little cyperpunk.

[Elliot]

well, I tried...

A few of us know you are talking about not just one but two things here, but I cannot tell if you want any response(s) or not.

(Note to casual readers: This thread just took a turn towards serious discussion again.)

[Elderberry]

We went close to 24 hours with no post on this thread. So presumably none of us is currently practicing knot-tying while standing on an upturned bucket.

well, I tried...

LOL

[Elliot]

LOL

Well, yes... a great wisecrack, of course.
But somehow I often find myself waiting for Fishy to... uh... drop the other shoe....

[theCryptofishist]

We went close to 24 hours with no post on this thread. So presumably none of us is currently practicing knot-tying while standing on an upturned bucket.

well, I tried...

LOL

jk has it right.
These jokes are on one level about claiming my status. I can't explain how that works, but it's important to me to "stand up" and say, here I am!
As for the other, no, not since my stormy youth. I've figured out how to take care of myself in that regard and I adhere to it. The alternative is just unbearable. And I wasted too much of my life that way.

[ygmir]

LOL

Well, yes... a great wisecrack, of course.
But somehow I often find myself waiting for Fishy to... uh... drop the other shoe....

oh Elliot.....you card.

maybe you missed you calling as a comedy writer?
There's still time.

[theCryptofishist]

LOL

Well, yes... a great wisecrack, of course.
But somehow I often find myself waiting for Fishy to... uh... drop the other shoe....

Shoe dropped?

[wh..sh]

Damn! Looks like I missed the poetry happy hour.

None the less, here's something I wrote while having tempest of a day. I think I wrote this even on the temple walls.

Confused and bemused in confidence
Restless, ungratified while in peace
Screaming from inside for self expression yet no allies.
Beautiful thoughts but where is the pen?
Did you look beyond others or simply looked the wrong way?
Are you getting close? Are you lost?
Funny, no stars can guide you
But let's find each other
and in the presence ask "Who am I?"

Always wanted to write poems using calligraphy (love!) and gift to burners

[Elliot]

Shoe dropped?

Cool.

[gaminwench]

Here's the first pass...

Humanae vitae:
gaudium at animus
harmoniae dedit vocem...
Amor omnibus

which translates to...

human life:
Joy & spirit,
harmony, given voice...
Love, to all.

opinions?I'm not including any shoe/foot references..., is this ok???



(it's FUN trying to figure out the 'best' Latin/english phrasing...)

[wh..sh]

jk has it right.
These jokes are on one level about claiming my status. I can't explain how that works, but it's important to me to "stand up" and say, here I am!
As for the other, no, not since my stormy youth. I've figured out how to take care of myself in that regard and I adhere to it. The alternative is just unbearable. And I wasted too much of my life that way.

**gives a standing ovation**

[Elliot]

For once, I may have a constructive thought....

During the couple of weeks when I was 99% certain I would "happily" kill myself by the end of November, I often enjoyed -- yes, ENJOYED -- this phenomenon: Some frustrating matter would crop up in my mind, and I was able to dismiss it by simply reminding myself that the issue would be moot by the end of the month. It was like taking a magic pill -- a sedative or intoxicant with no deleterious effects. The troublesome thought disappeared while the rest of me remained normal.

So today's thought is this, and several of you have mentioned something about controlling my thoughts.... How can I concoct a mental trick that will serve the same purpose as reminding myself I will soon be dead? Is this what you were talking about? Have I finally become receptive to such an idea?

[Sham]

Hi Elliot. Happy December 1st!

[gyre]

Elliot, in any sort of long term perspective you'll be dead soon without jumping out of your basket.
So will we all.

Look at the time and distance of space, or the thin grey line in the cliff face representing the human timeline.

How far back do you have to go, to be the only consciousness on the planet?

There's time for things to get worse and to get better.
It all happens soon enough.

[MyDearFriend]

For once, I may have a constructive thought....

During the couple of weeks when I was 99% certain I would "happily" kill myself by the end of November, I often enjoyed -- yes, ENJOYED -- this phenomenon: Some frustrating matter would crop up in my mind, and I was able to dismiss it by simply reminding myself that the issue would be moot by the end of the month. It was like taking a magic pill -- a sedative or intoxicant with no deleterious effects. The troublesome thought disappeared while the rest of me remained normal.

So today's thought is this, and several of you have mentioned something about controlling my thoughts.... How can I concoct a mental trick that will serve the same purpose as reminding myself I will soon be dead? Is this what you were talking about? Have I finally become receptive to such an idea?

Oh (((Elliot))), you know what, I get the same magical relief by telling myself "I'm going to die." No time specified, just an open-ended statement of fact. Quite reassuring to me, because I know it is true; we are all going to die. Eventually. No effort will be required, no blame attached, no regrets. All the problems will be gone.

And in the meantime... there is a lot of fun to be had, in this world.

[delle]

Strangely enough, I'm getting that joy from having my 3 things to do.

Yesterday I actually found myself getting quite antsy about getting home. I actually said to someone, "Really. Gotta GO. I've got 3 Things To Do!!!"

There's an excitement around getting my space back.

This morning (payday), I paid my bills instead of putting them off until it hurt. That has me excited too.

Small victories --- especially these 3 little things per day --- but I tell you, they feel tremendous. Feels like POWER . I'm now controlling it instead of it controlling me.

[MyDearFriend]

*high-fives Delle*

[ygmir]

Yay Delle!!! I may emulate you...........if you don't mind.

and Elliot:
perhaps, you could see dismissing issues, instead of by "death", as, relegating them to nothing.....deciding what "really" matters.........
If your lawn does not get mowed, really, what will it matter?
What, do you really need, to be happy? Usually, pretty simple stuff. The rest is fluff.
Things and ideas, only have the power, you grant them.
Simply, don't grant them the power.

Sometimes, I use the onion analogy:
First, we need air.
Then water.
Food
Shelter

From there, it becomes pretty subjective...........

well, just some thoughts, anyway.

and, to echo Sham:
Happy Dec. 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[AntiM]

I haven't used this in decades, but when I would have troublesome thoughts or emotions, I would visualized wrapping them as a beautiful gift, every step from box to bow, then storing them in a Fuck You cupboard. And I'd hide the key from myself mentally. Eventually I forgot I had that cupboard of trouble at all, until this morning. I find it is quite empty now.

I don't know if that helps or not.

[FIGJAM]

For once, I may have a constructive thought....

During the couple of weeks when I was 99% certain I would "happily" kill myself by the end of November, I often enjoyed -- yes, ENJOYED -- this phenomenon: Some frustrating matter would crop up in my mind, and I was able to dismiss it by simply reminding myself that the issue would be moot by the end of the month. It was like taking a magic pill -- a sedative or intoxicant with no deleterious effects. The troublesome thought disappeared while the rest of me remained normal.

So today's thought is this, and several of you have mentioned something about controlling my thoughts.... How can I concoct a mental trick that will serve the same purpose as reminding myself I will soon be dead? Is this what you were talking about? Have I finally become receptive to such an idea?

This is a perfect example of changing how you think about something changing the feeling.

It can be as simple as "100 years from now, this won't matter, so I refuse to beat myself up over it."

The situation does'nt do anything to you, what you think about the situation is what causes the negitive feeling.

You can even take some event from your personal ancient history and practice changing your thoughts about it to see what it feels like.

The results are immediate. (Magic)

As soon as the thought changes, the feeling changes.

Now that you've had a taste, keep practiceing, and be nice to yourself damnit!

Treat yourself the way you would treat someone else that came to you with a similar situation, like looking at it from the outside.

And heres a big "ATTA BOY" for making this discovery.

PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE!