Unwritten letters

[unjonharley]

Dear Noah,

We were sure you posted the boat would leave at 4:30.

Sincerely, The Unicorns

[lemur]

Dear Abe.

The bill for tonights performance has changed.

The act for tonight will be Gallagher

We knew youd want a front row seat.. Your ticket is enclosed.

Sincerely,

Ford's Theatre Management.

[oneeyeddick]

Dear Amelia,

Enclosed herein are the maps that you requested.
We apologize for the delay in shipping and we have refunded the full amount of your purchase.
We are looking forward to doing more business with you in the Future.

God Bless you, and good luck with your flight.


Sincerely,
John Atlas

[ygmir]

Dear humans:

WTF!!!

sincerely,
Dawg.

[International Incident]

Dear Burke & Wills,
The full water bottles are under the third tree to the left. The ones ubder the first tree on the right are filled with horse piss.
Yours,
Captain.



(our early explorers kinda died from running out of water - B&W equivalent to Lewis and Clarke)

[graidawg]

Dear humans:

WTF!!!

sincerely,
Dawg.

dammit yggi i mever wrote that!

[ygmir]

Dear humans:

WTF!!!

sincerely,
Dawg.

dammit yggi i mever wrote that!

it's not always about you, Dorian........

[unjonharley]

Dear Iceberg,

Having heard of the recent global warming.

To this I would like to say.

Isn't karma a bitch?

Sincerely, The Titanic

[International Incident]

Dear Mitt,
I had a great time last night - you took me with so much power. I can still feel your touch. I think we should update our Facebook relationship status. I don't care what the others say.
Yours always (and I'm still smiling).
Rick S

[graidawg]

Dear humans:

WTF!!!

sincerely,
Dawg.

dammit yggi i mever wrote that!

it's not always about you, Dorian........

oh know i am annoyed that names is gone i could have a sock of my very own!

[unjonharley]

]
Dear Sarah Palin

We feel your pain

We well know the pain, when no one wants to run with you

Sincerely Scissors

[Simon of the Playa]

Dear Captain Pruss,

I just Checked your Horoscope for your voyage to America.

it says youre fucked, and something about humanity.

i dont believe in that shit anyways...

[Roberto Dobbisano]

Dear Marian, i just had a vision while smoking DMT and Banana Peels.

fuck the lottery, lets take Dr. Dre's offer and high tail it to St. Barts and meet up with tupac and Richard Branson.


Larry.

[Elliot]

This has the makings of an epic thread, but we need some illustrations.

Dear Captain Pruss,

I just Checked your Horoscope for your voyage to America.

it says youre fucked, and something about humanity.

i dont believe in that shit anyways...

[Elliot]

Herr Wilson
Washington
Amerika

Thank you for helping end the war. I was freezing my tukhus off in the trenches. I hope your League Of Nations eliminates all danger of another great war.

Most cordially,
Corporal Adolf Hitler

[Elliot]

Baker Automobile Company
Detroit

It may surprise you, but I drive one of your fine Baker Electric automobiles at every opportunity. Yesterday I drove it all the way to a church picnic in the Heights, and it was the only automobile there which did not bring with it a foul odour. Also, your Electric Automobile is wonderfully quiet – not at all like my husband’s noisy contraptions.

Please do not let my husband hear that I wrote you. He is so proud of his invention. But I wanted you to know that your Electric Automobile is far easier to operate, and I much prefer it for my personal use.

Most cordially,
Clara Ford
Dearborn

[Elliot]

Jesus Josefson
Bethlehem

Young man, it has come to our attention that you are humping one Mary Magdalena, without benefit of marriage, for which you are not eligible anyway.

Going forth and being fruitful does not apply to you, as your strain is committed to poverty and cannot ever personally generate wealth for the church.

You are ordered to instead use males for the purpose of draining your prostate, to avoid any possibility of a pregnancy which would embarrass me.

Sincerely,
The Pope
Vatican City

[Elliot]

Captain Chr. Columbus
The Santa Maria
Port Of Hispaniola

Nah nah nah nah nah!

Regards,
The Emperor of India

[unjonharley]

]
Dear Adam & Eve

Sorry about the apple thing and your eviction.

Some party huh?

Sincerely Snake

[Elliot]

(circa 1984)

Marge Schott
Cincinnati

Dear Marge:

Congratulations on buying your baseball team. Now we can have some fun, because I just bought a team also. This is a crummy team and I got a real bargain. If I can turn it around I should make a great profit. The little people eat this shit up.

So I would like to borrow one of your million-dollar bucks for my farm system brood mares. What are their stud fees?

Let’s get together for tea soon.

With love,
Leona Helmsley
New York

[unjonharley]

]
General Custer
Great Plains Area

Sir,

Our company only covers manufactures defects..

There for we will not be able to replace your shirt

CEO Arrow Shirt MFG.

[Simon of the Playa]

Dear Board Members, i tried some last night and it sucks ass.

I am Shit-Canning the "New" Coke project, who the fuck wants to drink pseudo-pepsi anyway?


Roberto Goizueta, CEO

[ygmir]

to:
Mr. Einstein.'


Dearest Al.

We, your general family and distant relatives, find it disheartening, that you don't acknowledge us an real.
We feel, we've been very loving to you, with gifts and what not, so, why do you refer to us as theoretical?

signed:
your special relatives.

[H.G.Crosby]

Dear Anne

Here are the Tickets and fake passports you will need for you and the rest of the family to come to America.

please DONT show this to ANYONE especially that cute german soldier boy you've been schtupping.

love,

Your Auntie Frank.

[Elliot]

Football Players’ Haberdashery Inc.:

Send me a pair of gloves one size smaller than my usual size. Doesn’t matter what style or color. Charge to my in-house account.

-O.J.

[unjonharley]

]
Dearest Eva,

Those pills were for thee tea party when the Allies arrived.

It's alright anyway.. The Allies would of just had me hang around

Our party turned out fine. We sure got gassed together in the end.

With love, Adolf

[Simon of the Playa]

Dear Anne

Here are the Tickets and fake passports you will need for you and the rest of the family to come to America.

please DONT show this to ANYONE especially that cute german soldier boy you've been schtupping.

love,

Your Auntie Frank.

ps...

beware of the Mormons...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/2 ... 92102.html

[ygmir]

Our dearest Mr. Smith:

Thank you so much, for returning our golden tablets. We thought we lost them.
Sorry we couldn't lend them to you again, but, we did send the seagulls.

Sincerely,
the Andelusion coucil, Alpha Centauri, M.W.

[Elliot]

Walter Liberace
Las Vegas, NV

Our client, the Baldwin Piano Company, requests that you cover or remove the Baldwin name from any Baldwin piano you play in public, to avoid bringing ridicule and contempt upon the Baldwin brand name. We trust it will not be necessary to pursue a cease and desist order in this matter.

Smith, Jones & Brown
Attorneys at Law

[Elliot]

(circa 1942)

Dear Mr and Mrs Presley

We have had young Elvis in the after-hours music program for six weeks now, and we regret to inform you that he does not show the musical talent required to stay in the program.

Elvis does seem to be unusually active and limber of body – in fact often interrupting music class by tapping his feet against the floor and otherwise moving about unnecessarily. So we suggest you enroll him in a sports program instead.

Sincerely,
Student Counselor
Tupelo School District