Was I wrong about BM? Newbie struggles w/ disappointment

[mars]

Rico,

Hey--we're from the same city and I believe we work at the same radio station and I may even be on a "guerilla" mailing list of yours and, as far as I know, we have never met. (Though perhaps after this post, you'll be glad of that!--nah, just kidding)

I read your post with sadness--the disappointment was palpable. But I have to say that it sounds like you have had 10 awesome years and 1 bad one. So the odds are 10:1 (I think--I suck at math) that next year would be a good one for you.

In my "younger" days, I was a total grateful dead freakazoid. Went to hundreds of shows. Scattered in there were numerous shows that sucked for various reasons--shitty music, mean people, snobby hippies, personal bad moods--I could've decided at any time that it wasn't what it used to be (and it wasn't) and left for good. But I didn't, and I'm glad, because the magic always came back again, in different forms. And even though I still cry at times for missing Garcia, 10 times out of 11, I am spiritually rejuvenated after dancing for 3 hours at a Dead show. I hope the comparison resonates.

I mean, if you want to go do something else, that's fine...but, hey, you happened to meet that weird dude from saturn, and I was living on saturn too and you didn't meet me, but if you had, I bet it would have been a positive, rather than negative experience. If you had ridden by my camp in the morning, I would've waved. Perhaps you heard me ride by your camp, my little xylophone tinkling behind my bike.

I actually think that crying at Burning Man, is as deep, if not deeper, an experience, and as important, as laughing at Burning Man.

Ten out of 11 years ain't bad. You've been mighty fortunate. I hope I can make it to 11 years, wish I'd started earlier...wish I knew some theme camp people so I didn't have to camp out in the 'burbs...wish BM was two weeks long so I would have time to get tired of it before coming home...

Mars

[mars]

Pailette,

The answer is (D): Everyone has a different experience of the same event.

and (E): Eplaya seems to be a good place to vent the negative.

Last night my camp mates all came over for a mini-reunion. There was happy talk, even though some had their moments at BM, we looked back on the overall experience as a good one. We are a mixed group of people, aged 18-50, didn't go to the big parties, didn't have sex with strangers, and most, though not all, will be returning.

Mars

[jimpsahoy]

Please forgive me, I may tend to look fondly at the past, but I also gaze bright-eyed into the future...

I have Burned only three times, 1997, 1998, and 1999. All very different: yet equally amazing experiences, and I intend to attend yet again. Hopefully in 2005. Mean$ have kept me away, but the Burn Spirit is still very much alive with me.

Just a couple suggestions to the powers that be, from a humble, bicycle chopper-riding Burner....

One thing I DON'T think the Burn needs is a declared "theme". I think having a specified theme can impose expectations on an event that should dash your expectations. I know one never has to abide by the theme, but it is kind of like your parent's picking out your Halloween costume for you, then getting disappointed when you won't wear it.

I also liked the time when The Man was but a marvelous glowing sculpture, rising from a stack of hay, like a witch waiting to be burned for all to see...

There is also something about the inaccessibility-to-the-Man of the more recent Burn platforms that seems unappealing to me. There was something cool about being able to climb up a big stack of hay with some friends, plop down right under the crotch of The Man and gaze over the Playa city, in awe of people's accomplishments and renegade creative fever.

Now, it seems like you must perform a series of nonsensical, time-wasting activities to collect the right YU-Gi-OH cards for a CHANCE to kiss the feet of the ever-increasingly sublime Man.

I love getting to the Burn, donning one of many homemade outfits, and THEN start setting up camp. For me, the Burn has always been about doing what you can't do at home--out on the Playa. I can go get "e" and rave any night of the week in Denver...I go to the Playa to learn, be mystified, and to participate in a side of our humanity that is stifled in our "home" surroundings.

Hopefully, in 2005 we can all contribute to bringing back the curious mystery that The Burn can offer...in ways that none of us can imagine!

Peace!

[madmatt]

"seeking of the tribe"

Seek it at home. Find the burner community where you live and go to some parties. You're guaranteed to meet some super cool peeps and find out about all sorts of cool events going on year round.

Go back next year, with a clean slate and an open mind, brind or do something to contribute to BM to fill in what you feel what was missing.

Camp with some good friends and put some work into making a camp that is cool for you and your neighbors. Bring good food and drink and pamper yourself.

Register as a theme camp and get placed in the neigbhorhood you liked most.

Host a party at your camp.

Make an effort to get to know your neigbhors.

Take the time to really talk to people.

Take the time at night to stop at some of the burn barrels, warm up, take it down a notch, chat with the folks quietly gathered round with their faces in the orange glow. (Here some of the most precious and intimate moments occur.)

***DOING STUFF LIKE THAT (NOT NECESSARILY THOSE THINGS) WILL TAKE YOUR MIND OFF THE INCESSANT SEEKING OF THE MIND BLOWING EXPERIENCE AND YOU WILL HAVE A GREAT TIME***

[jimpsahoy]

[quote]***DOING STUFF LIKE THAT (NOT NECESSARILY THOSE THINGS) WILL TAKE YOUR MIND OFF THE INCESSANT SEEKING OF THE MIND BLOWING EXPERIENCE AND YOU WILL HAVE A GREAT TIME***[quote]

Here here! My most mind-blowing BM experiences crept up on me and pounced when I WASN'T looking for them.

[StevieGG]

This is interesting because a thread of discussion among our group of long time burners is whether this year was kind of "dilute" in terms of the art, the costumes, the music, etc. The fact is, it's different every year, and the experience you have is largely a matter of chance. Just depends on where you happen to be at a particular moment that can make the difference between experiencing a "wow" moment or not.

I did notice a number of times when I was out in public, both during the day and night, that there were more people walking around in regular street clothes - something I hadn't noticed as much at previous years. I wondered if the crowd is changing...

Overall though, it's still hard to beat. What the long term trend will be, it's too hard to tell yet. For me the foundation of a good time at Bman is camping with a good group. I always go with a mixed group of veteran burners, with a few newbies mixed in. Having a great group of between 10 - 17 as the base social group, and then branching out from there to go visit neighbors and other friends seems to work well.

Luckily, I haven't had any real negative experiences there. Though this year there was a guy parading along the Esplanade with a great costume -an inflatable suit of a fat lady in a tutu, along with a wig. Really funny. From a distance of at least 15 feet away, I took a quick snapshot. He noticed, and approached me sternly and proceeded to give me a somewhat condecending lecture on "asking before taking a photo". I was so stunned by his seriousness that I just kind of said, "oh, OK, sure, sorry". In retrospect, after he had walked away, my feeling was, kind of like, "Come on. You get dressed up a hilarious outfit, and go walking down the main drag of the city, and you're going to spend half your time lecturing people every time they snap a photo? Lighten up and don't take yourself so seriously." Now, if someone was nude, then I actually would ask if I was going to take a photo, because nude photos fall into a different category than costumes. Nude photos have been posted on exploitive web sites, and that can be a real privacy issue. But is someone takes a picture of me in a costume, I'm not going to be the slightest bit concerned.

Anyway, for me a couple of highlights were the "Midnight Popcorn Palace" and "Fish Observatory" on the 3:00 plaza. And the glass blowing performance on the playa Friday night. A couple of things like that can make the whole experience worthwhile.

[Matthew James]

This was my virgin year. I was told so many stories and saw so many remarkable pictures I was fearful of being let down. So, I went with out any expectations. For me I don't think it mattered. I was not just overwhelmed but comepletely obliterated.

It has changed me deeply and forever. BM answered burning questions I didn't even know I had. I am 27 and for the first time in my life I found found an activity that relaxed me. My ADD was in for a treat. There was so much going on I got distracted long before I got bored... and that usually takes nanoseconds. It ended up being very spiritual for me and I had never before been really spiritually motivated. I am a man's man and I do not cry for any reason... both burns had me balling.

I did not participate as much as I would have liked to. It was difficult to do much other than observe and hang on for dear life as the spiritual/emotional rollercoaster cart I was on was careening (sp?) out of control.

My art was only my music. Now I NEED to learn how to weld and paint. The only thing I was dissapointed in was that I could not find any good techno. All the main stages only played house, breaks, hip-hop and psy... However, I did hear the occasional art car zip by cranking out some D.A.V.E. the Drummer and Chris Liebing, but that was it.

That is my story in a nutshell.

[Xana]

[quote="paillette"] My disappointment with the event stems from my completely-dashed expectations about the social atmosphere.

Thanks for this thread topic. I was also a newbie, having travelled across the country, from Cleveland, for this event as if driven by an unknown force and not going was not an option. I admit, my expectations were high...the amount of preparation necessary to make the journey meant hours upon hours of Burning Man thoughts consuming my life. And mostly, my expectations were exceeded. I could've never expected the shear scale of the playa, the city, and the population. The artistic and generous spirit of the playa art, theme camps, the temple, and small contributions made by so many...how cool that the scraps of the burned man were transformed into yet another artistic expression! And I enjoyed the company of those I brought - my husband, my cousin, my sister-in-law, and her husband. I echo Paillette's feelings - I felt I was prepared as I could've been, I participated as I could, and maintained adaptability for the unexpected. But where I was disappointed lies in the social scene.

My husband and I make our number one priority in life to travel and experience things that could change our world view...we have been all over Europe and the US on numerous trips and always have met interesting people who gave us insight to the local culture or contributed to the experience in some way. Of all trips, I thought that at Burning Man meeting people would be easy and connection would be intriguing. Sorry I had expectations, but I was so wrong. Despite my efforts at participation, I felt alienated. Of those we talked to, they were mostly fellow virgins who seemed just as much stuck on the outside as we felt. Where were all the seasoned Burners? Why didn't we cross paths and engage in conversations with many of them? I felt as though they had formed their cliques and had no use or patience for those of us getting our feet wet (or dusty as it were).

Can someone tell me if this year was abnormal? Where there simply so many newbies that they statistically dominated most of our interactions or was/is there an underground connection between repeat Burners that we just couldn't penetrate? Was everybody tripping their asses off and unable to intellectually connect? Did I just not put myself out there enough? If so, give me tips for next time because I still feel so strongly about the philosophy of the event that I can't close the Burning Man chapter without knowing that I fully experienced all it has to offer. In other words, I will be back someday and want to make sure I fully submit myself to the cycle of participation, contribution, and reception as possible.

Thanks!

[Mister Jellyfish Mister]

What can I say here? The stuff you were looking for was there, I'd bet anything, cause I find all that stuff every year. But you have to not look for it where you'd expect to find it. You have to let it come to you, *be what you want to attract* at all times. Have an open heart and not carry around the expectation you'll be spat upon and if someone spits ignore that fucker. Really darlin, expect nothing and you get the world.

Go Lydia! I too was a virgin to the event this year. I went way over the top on giving, even built a Mutant Vehicle. That overextension of myself and my expectations combined with playa conditions and sensory blast caused an immediate short circuit of who I was being and what I thought it was all about. I think up to that point sex or foreplay sounds pretty pleasing as it can be a great form of validation of your worthiness of love. A hollow victory for those of us that have gotten a little too good at pretending to listen to somebody and we just have to remember how to connect again. Also being sexually unavailable, das is verboten for me.

In a giddy daze, I sat in a folding chair on Earth street and smiled and greeted people as they walked or rode by. That's when I started meeting the 1 in 10 that Lydia spoke of. Deep, warm conversations in my humble little trailer. Tears, hugs, and openness, whatever wanted to be in the moment. It's important not to look for it, and at the same time give off the vibe that you are "open for closeness". Grasping is its own vise.

I'll be back next year to let go of the event again. If your regrets were made of wood, could you burn them too?

[M-Files]

[quote="Xana"]
And I enjoyed the company of those I brought - my husband, my cousin, my sister-in-law, and her husband.


Perhaps therein lies the problem. Perhaps your family foursome was so tightly interwoven, with each slightly overwhelmed newbie kinfolk seeking comfort and security with the others, that no outsider thought they could penetrate the wall that the four of you may have unwillingly put up - or thought it way too intimidating to even try.

Or perhaps your BM experience is just different, i.e. 'slower' than others who claim some sort of spiritual re-birth, akin to how Bible-thumpers describe being 'born again'. Lots of us never get that born again feeling, but that doesn't mean we don't enjoy it and don't return year after year.

Yes, there was a dramatic increase in the newbie population this year. Expect an even greater dramatic increase next year. Was it really that bad talking to other newbies this year?

Here's what you can do for next year: Next year, you won't be newbies any more. You'll be veterans, same as those with whom you aspired to speak this year. So as veterans, go seek out newbies, perhaps a family group of four. Talk to them as you say you would have liked to have been spoken to this year.

What goes around, comes around.

Make sense?
M-Files

[Flackmaster]

Burning Man is always too much to consume. You need to somehow sort out the parts you like and avoid the parts that are a buzz kill. I've gone eight years and have modified my habits a lot to fit my expectations and disposition. I don't go out much after midnight anymore, I watch the burn from a distance, I spend more time in the cafe watching "small" performances, I bring my own small chemical toilet so I don't have any disgusting port-o-pot experiences, i get up early and have more caffeine conversations rather than late night alcohol conversations, i look for small art, i don't take any pictures, i bring all my tools since someone always needs help with something, i bring $50 worth of Tasty Bites (tm) becuase thay are well..."tasty" and so I don't have to cook much or dirty too many pans.

your mileage may vary.

[paillette]

Xana wrote:

My husband and I make our number one priority in life to travel and experience things that could change our world view...we have been all over Europe and the US on numerous trips and always have met interesting people who gave us insight to the local culture or contributed to the experience in some way. Of all trips, I thought that at Burning Man meeting people would be easy and connection would be intriguing. Sorry I had expectations, but I was so wrong. Despite my efforts at participation, I felt alienated.

Xana, It's so interesting that you've placed this in the context of overseas or intercultural travel, because that's part of my background as well. I, too, have traveled alot in Europe and Asia, and I always am struck by how much people in other countries want to show foreigners around, get to know them & help them out, etc. I figured that BM, as a sort of "foreign culture/country" would easily meet or beat this kind of friendliness & intermingling as part of the general social scene. I now think it must take a fair amount of work to find that connection, rather than just having it occur spontaneously, the way it always seems to when I travel.

[sparkletarte]

Xana, I was a virgin this year too. I met tons of people, both virgins and vets. I camped with 8 people including me, 3 had been once before and the rest virgins. I didn't notice any cliques per se (although beforehand I thought I would!)- if someone seemed unapproachable, I just didn't approach them, or else I did but backed off quickly if I was out of line. I didn't hang out with my camp mates that much except in camp, which I think really helped me to meet more people. I cruised around a lot and asked people what they were doing and where they were going, their name, where they are from, gave them a compliment on something I noticed about them, stuff like that. I'm pretty social and enthusiastic and I think that helps when meeting new people, not just at BM but everywhere.

I do understand what you are saying- one of my camp-mates felt quite left out a lot of the times. I got the idea he was really wanting certain things to happen, and he was also wanting someone to take his hand to include him in the circle.

I didn't actually make any 'efforts' at participation- if something grabbed me, I did it without thinking about 'participation', I just did it because I wanted to and it seemed fun &/or challenging. I'm not sure if you need to 'submit' yourself to anything- I sure didn't. I think of it as being more proactive than submitting. If you want to be included in something, step in- if you are rebuked, well, move on or change your approach. Be confident in who you are. I don't know what else to say except that a smile, a friendly hello, a how's it going, and just being yourself gets you pretty far in my experience.

I hope that you make it back!

[stuart]

If the swinger vibe was ever heavier in the previous 4 years, I didn't notice it. My wife is just not into Burningman, and so doesn't come with me. Finding amazing commradery and art have never been a problem in years past, but this year, I had to search a lot harder for the crazy personalities and moving art. As a sexual have-not at Burningman, the meat market vibe was crushing me--Marmot

man, are we twins separated at birth?

I can't explain it but I found myself, even while connecting with folks, feeling like there was a glass ceiling of interaction. It's enough to make me ditch my wedding ring so that I can have a decent conversation with strangers. Oddly enough, in the default world the ring often seems to have the opposite effect.
Perhaps we ought to have a 'sexually un-available but totally open to deep and worthwhile connections' village. I'll get my marketing people working on a more snappy title.

And Rico...
I met you on Friday night before the event opened. Me and my two camp mates were riding by the spot we had last year and found y'all lounging in couches around a fire and said hey. Last year, on that spot, we flew a big cheery flag that simply said 'hi!'. 3 out of 5 folk who rode past while the flag was flying would wave and or say hi. This year, same flag, maybe 1 out of 10.

Damnit! I keep trying to rationalize myself away from it but this was not a good one for me. I really want to be able to bear a majority of the responsibility for these feelings but it's tough. I thought I had it licked last week but I am slumped again. Maybe it's the santa annas.

[swampdog]

Regarding comments about a meat market vibe, I found it frustrating in perhaps a different way. I love to dance and interact with music, and I love to "bounce a vibe" off another dancer and have it come back. I wasn't looking for sex, I'm non-available (monogamous with a non-burner). Most of the time I found that the vibe didn't come back, instead I got something like "you're not fuckable, go away". Dancing became almost literally a mating ritual, I was picturing large african birds preening and displaying their plumage.

Early in the week (maybe Wed?) I had a great vibe at Hookahdome with a woman named Leanne, and thought "great, this is the stuff" and moved on hoping to find it again. Well, nope. I wish now I'd stayed and partied around with her (unless she was looking to hookup, in which case I'd be dead weight). There were other moments when I connected with someone (Club Verboten was awesome. The first Mutaytor show was great) but it was by far the exception.

Leanne, if you're out there, thanks, it was a high point.

[Mowgli_Khan]

Its all what YOU make it!!!!
Its really about are you huggable or not. Sex isnt everything. Lots of love going round that didnt have to be sex. And I met alot of people this year as in previous years who just wanted to converse or just wanted simple conection. I am a guy though so this comes from a guys point of veiw.

[Mowgli_Khan]

The trick is to not have any expectations. Try to do that every year and it just gets better.

[blackdogs]

This was my first burn and I now keep reading about how "experienced" burners were disappointed. I had an absolute blast, met tons and tons of very wonderful people, and had excellent conversations. I am single and (some say) good-looking, and had no trouble with any kind of harassment. My attitude was positive and that's all I got back. I learned some things about myself when I wasn't even trying to, and still think about BM every day. I feel like a different person, and it's all for the better. Can't wait to go back next year, and I truly do not believe that it will be worse. Perhaps the disappointed ones should not come. Maybe they have learned all they need to.

[cowboyangel]

this was the best burn for me too, even though, mostly what I did was talk to people...what incredible people they are too...will post here when I get my radio doc finished. I think the Burning Man experience can go as deep as you care to go with it. If someone feels boredom, or lessened expectations, I think perhaps they may simply be stuck on some level. I feel that intentioning for a deeper experience leads to the deeper experience. The devas of Burning Man are all too eager to help out.

[Captain Goddammit]

I think your perception of BM is all due to whatever small part of the place and population you happened to be around.
It seemed to me that most early, just-back-from-the-playa posting on this board was positive, that-was-great stuff... of course, there will be negative, that-really-sucked ranting because this IS a good place to do that.
BM is just an art festival, and a big party, and a camping trip... it's fun, but it shouldn't be expected to change anyone's life. Nor should you expect to find people behaving that much differently than they do the rest of the year. The Burners do tend to be some of the cooler, nicer, more interesting people though.
That's how I look at it, and I had the best time this year of my five so far.

I'll be back next year to get yelled at by cranky-ass DPW who hate everyone for showing up at their event, deal with people who think because I have a mutant vehicle I owe everyone unlimited taxi service, avoid drama caused by people in camp that claim to hate drama, whatever... there's gonna be some BS, but there's so much to overshadow that stuff... man I had fun this year!

[jellibee]

I hear ya. This was our second year at BM after doing a theme camp in 2002. The cold weather put a huge damper on our plans, costumes, and eventually fun. In 2002, we met the warmest, kindest, most loving strangers on the planet. This year, we met some of the weirdest people. One woman (Cat) told us she came alone just because a friend told her to and we offered our camp and anything she might need if she found herself not fully prepared. It turned out that she came with a whole group of people and just told a bold-faced lie to tell a lie.. now that's just one funny experience and part of being out on the playa can be to be someone or something you're not, but we experienced this kind of weird dishonesty in a lot of places around the playa. Maybe it was prank year. Anyway, our van was also vandilized while there. I hope we can come again and have an experience more like 2002 next time.