True Tale(s) of Bacon Shame

[lemur]

Greetings.

Surely everyone has one, no?

I think I will start with a story from one Mike Nelson (of mst3k / rifftrax fame).

I stopped to stock up [on bacon], approached the check out and dropped eight pounds of various brands of bacon on the conveyor. The clerk, an attractive middle aged woman, smiled wryly and asked, “Cooking breakfast for everyone, no?” with an accent I guessed to be Eastern European. For reasons that should be obvious I didn’t feel like explaining that I was on a quest to eat nothing but bacon for the month of February and instead said, quite truthfully, “It’s kind of a taste test.”

“You are taking a test?” she said, clearly puzzled. The first wave of bacon shame hit me as I replied, “No, we’re going to see which of these tastes best.” She gave a little shake of her head and smiled again. “Oh, this package does not look so good,” she said of the eighth pound, pointing out to me how the wrapping appeared to have been breached.

She called out to a clerk, an elderly, silver haired gentlemen with a quiet, dignified mien. When he spoke it was clear that he, too, was not native born. A second wave of bacon shame hit me as this fellow shuffled off to get me a replacement for my flawed bacon so that, you know, I could continue to eat nothing but bacon for the month and report about it on the internet.

As I moved toward the door to wait, a teenaged clerk said robotically, “Have a nice night.”

“I’m actually waiting for the guy to bring me a replacement for my bacon,” I said, somewhat apologetically.

“What’s that?” he asked.

“My bacon had a hole in it. The guy just went to get me another.” He nodded.

The silver-haired gentleman approaches me almost obsequiously and says, “Sir, I am so sorry. You must have taken the last one. I looked everywhere. I could not find it.” He held up two pounds of bacon, one in each hand. “This,” he said, referring to the bad package, “is thick slice, and this is thin. But they are the same brand. I looked everywhere.”

“It’s fine,” I say, now overwhelmed with bacon shame. “Thanks so much for looking.”

“I’m so sorry.” The check out lady walks out from behind her station, “Let’s see if that’s the same price,” she says, showing a little irritation. I follow her back and she scans it several times without result, flattens the package, tries again and gets it to scan. “Ah, yes, same price. Have a nice night, sir.” Sir, she called me.

The elderly man does not look up as he repeats, “I’m sorry, sir.”

I reassure him again and hurry out of the store.

These two, they endured unknown hardships, perhaps war and tragedy, yet through grit and determination made their way to this country where they were lucky to find themselves employment, working nights at a grocery store, probably sending money back to their families in their home countries, those who are still alive. They hope someday to bring other family members over — their hearts ache every minute they are separated — but it is so difficult, so expensive. Just living day to day, in Southern California, what with the high rents, the taxes, rising food costs, it is a struggle. But they are blessed and grateful for it.

Me, I am eating bacon for the month of February and writing about it for my blog.

http://blog.rifftrax.com/category/month-o-bacon/


Do you have a story of Bacon Shame to add?!

[lemur]

My own tale of bacon shame... its sort of not my tale ..but again it is mine...but a tale nonetheless.

Awkwardly enough it happened at burning man.

I was with some friends.. one of which was a not so big blonde girl who rode horses..she preferred unalted butter and to me, seemed to be a type to not indulge in the sinful world of bacon.

So, it being burning man.. I was cooking up lots of bacon that week.. and I got the cheap stuff bought at the reno wal-mart.. and you can imagine that the pickins are slim at that place on monday of the gates opening so it wasnt the best lot of bacon.. It had lots of fat on it.. So I was cutting the big parts of fat off the ends..

As i was doing this trimming of the fat the beautiful blonde horse riding girl yelled out 'NO!! dont get rid of those!! it's my favorite part!!'

The first wave of bacon shame rolled in.

There I was cooking up pure fat for this beautiful woman and feeding it to her... because she liked it...... something that I wouldnt even eat myself.....This continued the rest of the week.

I usually cooked it late in the evening..when no one was around.. and as I think of this again a second wave of bacon shame is arriving as I realize that I was giving her the big pieces of fat..... maybe a pound worth.. over that one week.

a lot of people talk about losing weight during the burn.... i am pretty sure i remember her talking about gaining weight from eating so well..


True tales of bacon shame,.. indeed...

[Roberto Dobbisano]

there was this one time, at burning man...




my bacon may or may not have talked to me.

[Simon of the Playa]

you know how i feel on this subject...

[Sham]

I just made a phone call to my local Burger King to confirm that they have the bacon sundae. They do and I will be heading over there soon.
I am so ashamed!

[lemur]

OH REALLY?! [simon] ?


WELL THIS IS MY THREAD AND THIS IS MY ART.

SO UNLESS YOU HAVE A TRUE STORY OF BACON SHAME YOU CAN GO SUCK ON A PORK RIND MY FRIEND

[Simon of the Playa]

so noted....


well, if THATS the DILL-y-o, i'm gonna go hang out in the pickle thread...


i'll be Gherkin-Off.

[lemur]

well no not really but ive been wanting to say that for uhm.. a few days

[theCryptofishist]

I'm almost ashamed that I count you baconeers friends.


No, I'm not. Truth be told, I think it is glorious that you are my friends.

I am ashamed that when I was young I put bacon grease down the pipes. I did not know that grease clots were one of the biggest problems in sewer systems.

(but that's not a very large and impressive shame. I hope you are not ashamed of me.)

[lemur]

a true tale of bacon shame: i made a bacon thread on the internet

[H.G.Crosby]

"I never got a birds and the bees speech as a child. The closest thing I ever got -- one time, my dad was cooking breakfast; he's like, 'Sex is a lot like this egg. First thing you gotta do is heat up the bed real nice, get it nice and warm, get it ready for her. Then, you gotta take her, crack her over the head and lay her out flat, alright? Come on now -- wait 'til she starts sizzlin' really good, then you can flip her on over -- there ya go. Don't get too excited or you get yellow stuff all over the bacon."

[junglesmacks]

I tried some of this last night. It was.. alright..

[lucky420]

I was making bacon and eggs one time. Frying the egg up next to the bacon and BAM!! Grease pop splatter right into my eye.

Not sure wether it was the bacon or the egg that attacked me as they both looked guilty. But I'm going with the bacon,

FUCK YOU BACON!

[TomServo]

I was making bacon and eggs one time. Frying the egg up next to the bacon and BAM!! Grease pop splatter right into my eye.

Not sure wether it was the bacon or the egg that attacked me as they both looked guilty. But I'm going with the bacon,

FUCK YOU BACON!

The Bacon was just showing off for the eggs.


I have no bacon shame. I know when I've had enough.

[Straightveg]

I haven't had bacon in over 8 months, and I don't miss it.

[BBadger]

What the hell man? I mean, I don't want to make you feel worse, but trimming the fat off the bacon? What kind of heresy is this?!



So here's my tale of woe and bacon...

I often visit the local Big Lots to see what kind of reject foods happen to make it there that I might happen to like. Well, one reject food happened to be a synergy--or so I thought--of the two beloved salty pork foods I love: Spam and bacon. Yes. Spam and bacon in a single can.

So I bought a can, and upon arriving home popped that shit open and tossed a few slices in the pan. I fried the Spacon/Bam to the crispiness I enjoy my Spam (the ONE TRUE WAY might I add), and plopped the sizzling result on my plate for my consumption.

I dove (dived? Fuck you grammarians) in and...

...it was terrible. It had the consistency of canned corned beef intermingled with spam, and had none of the good smokey flavor of bacon. What a terrible marriage. I managed to finish the plate of the Spacon, but didn't (wouldn't) eat any more. That inedible crap stayed in my refrigerator for about a month until I simply tossed that shit.

I never thought I'd see the day that I'd toss out both Spam and Bacon. I guess I just tell myself that it was neither, but rather a chimeric abomination, but still...

[theCryptofishist]

Dove is good. I like irregular verbs. It comes from loving German "strong" verbs. Irregular conjegations are wonderful, and I worry about losing them. To sing, to drive, to dive, to fight...

I know, I know, there goes Fishy being a grammarian again... Most of the time it's about how what someone says doesn't make much sense, the homonyms, stuff like that. This is about losing something absolutely lovely. Using "your" for "you're" just means that I have to take my mind out of gear and think twice (multiply that by the number of people who read your post...), and I'm fond of the greengrocer's s, but using regular forms for a verb with irregular forms is like replacing your mustang with a thing...taking out too much beauty and poetry.

So, dove, dove, dove, dove...And I'm not talking about a pigeon either!

This grammar moment brought to you by CryptoLanguageLabs, where your tongue is never tied!