Suicidal Tendencies

[Box Burner]

Well Hi there! Glad to see you're still connected.

Have you called the center? Got any leads there?
Or from the grocery stores, etc?
Here's a link to an "Affordable Housing Database" in your general area: http://findhousing.utah.gov/listings.do
The previous page mentioned that many of the rents are on a sliding scale -- rent to income.

Don't just presume that all rent-to-income housing is shit.... I lived in a rent-to-income house for 16 years. It was a blessing and a joy for the most part, allowing me a freedom I wouldn't otherwise have had when the kids were small. Once the crisis was over, I stayed because I wanted to...... becoming VP and Head of the Selection committee for a good chunk of that time. We had a nice little community going.

The important thing is to get on those lists pronto. You can always refuse, but at least you'll have options.

If you do want to fill out any applications, Please PM me. I know what catches their eye, and can help you fill them out effectively.


------

Seems to me all you need for Paypal is a bank account. The process takes a few days tho, as Paypal "pings" your account with a tiny deposit to make sure its yours.

Do take AntiM up on her offer for a notebook tho.... it seems a perfect stopgap before getting settled.

We've got to get you settled!!!

Yep I'm still here. Haven't shipped the PC off yet either.

I will look into that Delle. Thanks. Your link looks like a different way into the same agencies that I found. Except that there were no listings or database. And when I called them there was only a 2 year waiting list. Can't remember what search parameters I used.

[dana]

Mary and Delle have been giving me hints so I'll try to bring this back down to earth.

Suicide is on the backburner. Too busy to deal with it right now I guess. y.

Box Burner, it really comes down to dealing with the momentum of it and choice. What I've been looking at lately is momentum. Right now I have this amazing momentum to the topside. It used to flip flop dramatically in both directions and I couldn't tell why. (which is maddening!!)

BB you need to face your momentum to the downside before you can turn it around. But the first thing you really need to do is to make that choice - to turn things around. Right now you're hanging on that edge too much - flirting with it. No real choice either way. That's a weak position that does not put you in charge. That weak position only tends to slide further down. You can make at least a weak choice now to turn it around. Later you can strengthen and deepen that choice, taking it further into your gut. You add supporting choices, new action, etc which will all make it stronger. I know the shit happening can seem overwhelming but that choice starts to lighten it up.

BB, try to let this in, play with it a bit - you have a greater destiny. You've just come to a critical juncture where the old ways and means are crumbling and falling away because they will never get you to that destination. (the 'dark wood' from Dante, where the old way is lost and a better path found.)

A couple questions that may help to start unlocking it:
Do you have a tendency toward stubborness and rigidity that often leaves you feeling isolated?
Did you have a rather overbearing father?

(old patterns ready to be done??)

[FIGJAM]

[youtube][/youtube]

[Box Burner]

Are you folks sure it ain't time to go? It sure fucking feels like it.

[Sham]

Are you folks sure it ain't time to go? It sure fucking feels like it.

Nope! This smörgåsbord of colors, lights, smells, feeling and tastes that we call life is still waiting to be fully explored. I am waiting for that massive wind and dust storm to hit, so I can strip down naked and dance. (not my shoes--they are very important to keep on. Besides, I have morals you know)

There is always something new and interesting right around the corner. Go find it and enjoy it.

[delle]

Funny thing, time. You can do whatever you want with it.

Every moment has multifaceted potential. Why not choose another facet for a while. Another potential.


You're facing a wall, BB -- but it's not a dead end. If you'll just turn and look in another direction it WILL open something completely different for you.

You've opened yourself to suicide. Made it the answer. Once that door is open, it might be a hard one to close.... but it's a fucking illusion, BB. A fucking siren. Look again.

What's past that open door? Do you know? Do you really know???


It's definitely time for SOMETHING. Your choices are pretty much unlimited at the moment. And from where I sit, all the good ones are firmly on THIS side of that gaping, calling hole.

Don't go there. It's lying to you.

There's a whole lot of love and happiness right here for you, BB, on this side... you just can't seem to find it for the fear and anger that's strangling you right now. Break down and let it OUT. Then face the day with an empty OPEN heart and let some good flow in there.

Change Everything. and Everything Changes. This is so your day for change.

Just not the one you're contemplating.

[Zhust]

Your link looks like a different way into the same agencies that I found. Except that there were no listings or database. And when I called them there was only a 2 year waiting list.

Can you just go "there"? Even if the agency itself can't do anything, just talking (I mean actually speaking in person) has a different flavor. Maybe you'll meet somebody else in a shitty situation and you can commiserate or maybe start making a plan.

Sometimes in life we flow right along and are amazed by all we can do in a day. Other times, our focus gets so myopic it is literally, "left foot, right foot" with no idea of direction. It's no fun to be in the latter.

P.S. I have been keeping "sometimes in life" in my back pocket. A drunk friend of mine came up to me at the bar one night and said, "Jason, sometimes in life ..." confidently, and then just trailed off without having any idea how he was going to finish the sentence. I thought it was hilarious.

So Box Burner, sometimes in life

[gyre]

I'd miss you.


Don't you want to see how it all turns out?

[ygmir]

Are you folks sure it ain't time to go? It sure fucking feels like it.

yup, pretty sure BB.........but you know, it's the selfish part of me......that wants you around.
you are a good person.
you contribute, and do "right".
you would he sorely missed, by many.

no one can speak for "you".....you have to decide.........but I (I can probably say "we"), hope, to show you, that as much as it's the selfish in me that wants you around, it may be the selfish in you, that wants to leave. You gotta know the loss and pain that would bring. to many folks. Think of the things you bring to "the table".......and how so many of us cherish them, and you......some depend on you, some admire your spirit and drive. and survival skills........you'd take that all away, from so many?........

I'm not saying "do or don't"......but hoping, to shed light, on the other side of your equation, and the application of Newtons third law.

please, consider us, all of us, in your thoughts.

[Ugly Dougly]

It's like walking out in the middle of a movie, when you will miss the surprise ending.
We came here to this earthly existence to enjoy its simple pleasures. Not to die.
...mmmm.... sometimes we have huge expectations and are disappointed when this marvelous universe doesn't meet these expectations in exactly the manner in which we dictate.

Several times after my dear Toshiko left us, I envisioned my gun at my head. It wasn't a conscious thing at all, the image simply arrived.
For me it wasn't a viable answer. I had too many friends and family who loved me and I didn't want to hurt them with my selfish act.
Now I am with an amazing passionate woman who rocks my socks. I own my own little castle and I am having the time of my life.
I'm so glad I didn't leave early.

[theCryptofishist]

I love you, Box Burner. And my life would be lessor without you.

I'm selfish that way.

[wh..sh]

If it's our time to go, we will go alright. Funny thing about that is, when its time, we don't even have to try.
Until then, it's time to live. No two ways about it.

BB, just 10 months ago, you wouldn't have even known that I existed. But, we are here... and somehow we are talking about life and such.
That's the serendipity of life. You never know what's coming next. And for what it's worth, I don't want you to go.

"Dance in the heart of chaos. . . . ."

[Jax Dee]

I don't want to say this to just boxburner, I know there are lurkers who are prolly in the same boat and don't want to post. So I want to say to everyone who is reading this...you are here, now, in this moment and it may be a fucked up moment, but you are living it, and we are living it with you, and if you walk out on that moment and never see it through to the end...we all will miss you, the world will miss you, and you will miss out on that next moment that might be the one you are finally looking for. Suicide is not an answer, it is an escape, and sometimes it may seem like the only way out you have, but as so many have observed there is always another way. It just might be really fucking hard to see and you may need other people's help to see it. Don't be afraid to ask for that help. Trust me, someone out there loves you and will be the help you need. I love you all. I would miss you. Even if I don't know you, because then the chance to meet you will be taken from me. So please stay.

[catinthefunnyhat]

You've opened yourself to suicide. Made it the answer. Once that door is open, it might be a hard one to close.... but it's a fucking illusion, BB. A fucking siren. Look again.

What's past that open door? Do you know? Do you really know???


It's definitely time for SOMETHING. Your choices are pretty much unlimited at the moment. And from where I sit, all the good ones are firmly on THIS side of that gaping, calling hole.

Don't go there. It's lying to you.

I want to second this.

This is a beautiful thread and so full of affirmation. So many of you have said such wise, eloquent things in here. But underlying them all is what Delle said: The beckoning of the suicidal voice is a lie. It's not offering you anything; it only wants to take.

BB, please listen to your friends. They're wise, and they love you. Don't fall for the lie. Don't miss the end of the movie. There is so much love waiting for you, don't deny your friends the chance to share it with you.

[Ugly Dougly]

We sometimes fool ourselves into believing that we know everything that we need to know, and that our conclusions are rocks-solid.

But how much of the world have you seen? Out of the Earth's surface of 57,506,060 square miles, how far have you explored?
Of our human population of 7.032 billion, how many of these have you actually met?

So when we think, "oh, I know this", and "here's how it is, you can't tell me any different," remember how little you have seen of the world so far.

We are all students.

[AntiM]

So much love, BB, please let it flow into your heart and soul.

[wh..sh]

We sometimes fool ourselves into believing that we know everything that we need to know, and that our conclusions are rocks-solid.

But how much of the world have you seen? Out of the Earth's surface of 57,506,060 square miles, how far have you explored?
Of our human population of 7.032 billion, how many of these have you actually met?

So when we think, "oh, I know this", and "here's how it is, you can't tell me any different," remember how little you have seen of the world so far.

We are all students.

*respect*

[dana]

[q The beckoning of the suicidal voice is a lie. It's not offering you anything; it only wants to take.
.

In time it will be like a dark and scary dream that fades from memory...

But from where I stand now I can see that voice is not completely a lie. Parts of you do need to die. Just not your physical body. There are those dysfunctional parts in all of us that need a death with dignity.
Creation/Destruction
Making way for something new by clearing out the old.

[maryanimal]

Are you folks sure it ain't time to go? It sure fucking feels like it.

Today, BB, I feel like it's time, but not for you. Not for a long time my friend. I know things will be better. So if I may say this to you with the love from my heart...You need to stay the fuck here mister!! Do you see all of these folks in here that absolutely love you? I haven't had that chance to meet you, and from what I see, I'd be missing out if I didn't have that chance. Things maybe bad right now, but they'll be better in time, just let it happen that way! Trust me, at this very moment I'm going through the same thing you are. Now then, where will you be staying on the playa? Don't make me hunt you down!! *hughughug*

[Zhust]

When I saw that movie Melancholia, all the facets of depression were there to witness. As I wrote in a blog post about it:

Justine ... spends her last hours in a strange state of unhappy blissful confidence that indeed all things will end. It’s a state that only the depressed truly know, and I guess it’s kind of the pot-of-steel at the end of a desaturated rainbow.

I remember a study I read about where subjects were given a button that was connected to a light. If they pressed the button, the light would light. Or it wouldn't. They had control some percentage of the time: none of the time, 25%, 50%, 75%, or all the time. Non-depressed people were correct in assessing 50% and above, but they never felt they had less than 50% control (e.g. no control and 25% control got reported as 50% control). Depressed people had a straight line right to zero. Way more accurate.

What I'm getting at is depressed people see the world as absolute truth. It's something we filter out so we can function day-to-day, but I do enjoy a good depressed, concrete view of the world ... that pot-of-steel reward. When I see people professing their love for someone over the Internet, I think the objects of their love may be keen to a white lie. I admit that I don't know: maybe those who say that personally know the other person.

So Box Burner and everyone else, I don't love you because I don't really know you. But I'd be saddened to hear you killed yourself — any of you. I know what it's like to stand at the precipice. I dug into the abyss as far as I could go once. I know that I can't believe when people say they love me in those times — I know that their lives will go on anyway, and they'll heal. They won't actually "do anything" (again, that absolute truth) — they would do a lot, just not anything. What's a subtle euphemism most of the time is a glaring lie when you're depressed.

And I know how I feel when I read about someone who killed jemself: I'm saddened and I empathize with jeir friends and family, and I go on, not-quite like nothing happened, but certainly not debilitated by it.

But, you know, taken all together — thousands and thousands of people being effected like that — and it's a lot. It may not be much for one person, but it's a lot of sadness to be responsible for. Likewise, you're not going to make a huge impact in the lives of strangers if you don't. But it'll be a contributing comment here, or a chance meeting there, or maybe even some art or performance that a few people really really like.

[gyre]

I think there is a difference between depressed and realistic, or pessimistic, as overly perky people might call it.

There is some evidence that "pessimistic" people deal with disaster better emotionally.
I don't think it's that simple though.

[wh..sh]

General question:

I haven't really had the need to meet with a psychiatritic help, here in the United States.
If one needs medical help for chronic depression, what is the process for getting help here?
I know that in most cases, you need to go to a physician for reference and all that jazz. Is there a way to avoid the complicated steps?

[theCryptofishist]

Our health care, especially our mental health care, is pathetic. There are a lot of talented and caring people out there with credentials, but there is little to no mental health coverage.
If this isn't an emergency, we can chat about that on playa. Unless our brains are all weird from too much dust.

[wh..sh]

I agree, Fishy.

With depression, it's hard to tell when it's an emergency. My friend needs it and I am trying to talk him into getting medical help.
He is not feeling very motivated or hopeful about treatments (which is expected), and these complicated processes in finding medical help is putting him two steps behind for every step he is trying to take. We don't live in the same city and that limits my involvment.

[Zhust]

If one needs medical help for chronic depression, what is the process for getting help here?
I know that in most cases, you need to go to a physician for reference and all that jazz. Is there a way to avoid the complicated steps?

If it's dire, I'd shoot for a suicide hotline. But if it's merely desperate, I'd look up psychotherapists and start calling them. If insurance covers it, it'll cover it. Otherwise, it's very expensive, but not impossible to just get an introductory session. Sometimes they have non-insurance rates or low-income plans, so be forthright about your situation.

From there, I don't know much. I went in for therapy for general help and I had insurance that was supposed to cover it, but I was mistaken and got hit with a bill so I quit. With depression, that would be bad.

[knowmad]

bump

[Sail Man]

Thanks Knowmad

[Patsh]

AAaaaarrrgghhhh....

suicidal tendencies.jpg

[maryanimal]

That is funny Triken!!

[burner von braun]

-bump-

It is nice to see that this thread has been dormant for a while, but this time of year is difficult for a lot of people, and.. well.. just be aware that there are a lot of good burner type folks in here that are always nearby

(((all)))