Awkwardly Camping with Ex & his GF Situation - Advice?

[SeekingAdvicePlease]

Hi Everyone,

I have been a long-time reader of this board, and created this account to post my question. This will be my first year to attend BM and I am extremely excited! I would like to ask a question though about my camping arrangement and seek advice - of any sort - be it snarky, critical, lighthearted or whatever.

My ex (has been to 6 Burning Mans) invited me to attend this year and join his theme camp (approx 100 total in the camp). We broke up about a year ago and talk a few times a month and generally have a civilized friendship. He invited me as a friend, not with any expectations of sex (we talked about this to be clear). So, he got me an early-entry pass and I have been connecting a lot with other camp members and am very excited about being part of the camp. Because he doesn't make a lot of money and I could spare it, I offered to pay his camp dues as a sort of 'thank you' for bringing me into the camp and introducing me to his friends. He mentioned that he would be very appreciative if he could sleep in the RV (not 'with me', but in a separate bed) and I agreed because at this point it's just me in there and I have extra room. We talked about some ground rules for the RV (only using for sleeping/shelter for dust storms, etc, being respectful about bring other people into the RV for shelter or to offer a bed) and I had a really good feeling about it.

Now, here's the part that I'm feeling awkward and uncomfortable about: he told me a few days ago that he has a girlfriend that made last-minute plans to go too, and he casually mentioned that she, of course, would be staying with him in the RV. I've never met her, and I have zero issues with her presence to get shelter there or even to sleep there. My issue is that I don't think I would feel very comfortable with them having sex in it while I was 2 ft away in my own bed. I have zero interest in hooking up with him (have a few times since our break-up but it was super casual and no-strings-attached... but wouldn't be doing it now that he has a GF), and am happy he has a new GF.. just don't want to inadvertently sign myself up for a situation that might be upsetting or uncomfortable.

When he mentioned adding her to the RV, we discussed a few extra considerations that would need to be made for a third person (place to store her stuff, what she wanted to bring, make sure she was comfortable with the ground rules for the RV we had already setup, etc) and I let him know that I don't think I would feel comfortable with them having sex next to me. His response was a jokingly dismissive, "RELAX! It's Burning Man, everyone is having sex and you won't even notice!" Then, when I reemphasized my concern, his response was, "You'll probably find one of my friends to sleep with anyways, so I don't see the problem" (LOL Are you beginning to see some of the reasons we are no longer a couple...). So, my question is, what might be a good way to handle this situation?

A few other considerations:

-If he isn't in the RV, his plan is to sleep in his truck.
-I wouldn't have sex in the RV if he was in there, either.
-I am already very committed to this theme camp (already have jobs that I have signed up for, paid dues, made friends there) and don't want to leave the camp
-I have every intention of being welcoming and friendly to his GF and am perfectly ok with her being in the RV, offered her a ride & other help, etc
-Suggested that he elect to have sex in the RV anytime of day or night that I'm not in there, but not to intrude on my personal boundaries if I am there.. his response, "No promises! It's Burning Man! It gets pretty crazy!"
-Because I consider him a friend (it's sort of a love/hate thing..) and he got the ball rolling for me to go, I don't want to be mean and ask him to not be in the RV at all (even though there are several other camp-mates who have expressed interest in joining the RV)
-I'm desperately seeking a drama-diffusing solution that we can all be comfortable with

I'm concerned that he might agree not to have sex in front of me, but then might get drunk and forget about the agreement and have sex anyway.

I've done my best to think this over on my own and really could use some advice from someone looking in on this situation. Thank you all and I'm sure I'll come up with a way to make my first experience fun regardless!!! I can't tell if I'm over-thinking it and maybe it's really not something that would bother me.. just don't want to set myself up to unhappy. Thank you for reading all this, and for any suggestions you have!

[FIGJAM]

No, no, no!!!

He's trying to change the rules after they were agreed to.

If you don't fix this NOW it will fuck with your first burn and nothing can fix THAT.

Better to get the drama over with now than have to deal with it on precious burn time.

Talk to the GF about this to and try to get her on your side.

If not, let him sleep in his truck and share the rv with the GF.

He's not respecting your wishes period.

Fuck um!!!

[Eric]

He mentioned that he would be very appreciative if he could sleep in the RV (not 'with me', but in a separate bed) and I agreed because at this point it's just me in there and I have extra room. We talked about some ground rules for the RV (only using for sleeping/shelter for dust storms, etc, being respectful about bring other people into the RV for shelter or to offer a bed) and I had a really good feeling about it.

and

Now, here's the part that I'm feeling awkward and uncomfortable about: he told me a few days ago that he has a girlfriend that made last-minute plans to go too, and he casually mentioned that she, of course, would be staying with him in the RV.

Honestly it boils down to this - he mooched his way into your RV after you already paid his dues, and now he's telling you that she's staying with him, in your RV, that he asked to stay in (not that he was offered a place to stay in). He is quite bluntly using you. Not even being subtle about it, just an out and out user (think about it - you paid his camp dues, and let him talk you into staying with you, and then he tells you his new girlfriend is staying there too). All he did was introduce you to some people, they get along with you because of who you are, not who you know.

Tell him you already said yes to him, but you're not comfortable with them together in there with you, and that veteran or not, a freeloading hippie is a freeloading hippie. If you let them both stay in there you have just guaranteed yourself camp drama.

If he wants both of them to stay in there, tell him what his share of the bills are before you head out, and tell him you need a 50% deposit.

Personally, I'd kick his ass to the curb.

[maladroit]

He's pretty much told you it's going to happen. That means if you don't kick him out, you have to live with the possibility that he's going to do it.

If you wait until after he's crossed the line, then you have to deal with the drama of kicking him out AND ALSO have to watch the RV-a-rockin'.

Either be OK with whatever happens, or make it impossible.

[DustHand]

-If he isn't in the RV, his plan is to sleep in his truck.

Well, there is your answer.

[SeekingAdvicePlease]

No, no, no!!!

He's trying to change the rules after they were agreed to.

If you don't fix this NOW it will fuck with your first burn and nothing can fix THAT.

Better to get the drama over with now than have to deal with it on precious burn time.

Talk to the GF about this to and try to get her on your side.

If not, let him sleep in his truck and share the rv with the GF.

He's not respecting your wishes period.

Fuck um!!!

Thank you, I really like the idea of talking to his girlfriend. At this point, I haven't met her yet or spoken with her, just communicated info to her via him. I bet she would actually be more likely to be respectful than him. Thank you for your suggestion!

[Jackass]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pi7gwX7rjOw
I had to throw it out there.

[gaminwench]

He and his girlfriend need to find another space to sleep/have sex.

Sharing an RV, even with a partner, is a tricky situation;
His responses to your reasonable requests do not bode well for a shared living space (with anyone).

You've paid his dues, that's enough thanks for inviting you to the camp.
Find another girl to share the RV with, someone that agrees to your ground rules.

You definitely don't want to spend your first burn in his lap.

Good luck!

[SeekingAdvicePlease]

He mentioned that he would be very appreciative if he could sleep in the RV (not 'with me', but in a separate bed) and I agreed because at this point it's just me in there and I have extra room. We talked about some ground rules for the RV (only using for sleeping/shelter for dust storms, etc, being respectful about bring other people into the RV for shelter or to offer a bed) and I had a really good feeling about it.

and

Now, here's the part that I'm feeling awkward and uncomfortable about: he told me a few days ago that he has a girlfriend that made last-minute plans to go too, and he casually mentioned that she, of course, would be staying with him in the RV.

Honestly it boils down to this - he mooched his way into your RV after you already paid his dues, and now he's telling you that she's staying with him, in your RV, that he asked to stay in (not that he was offered a place to stay in). He is quite bluntly using you. Not even being subtle about it, just an out and out user (think about it - you paid his camp dues, and let him talk you into staying with you, and then he tells you his new girlfriend is staying there too). All he did was introduce you to some people, they get along with you because of who you are, not who you know.

Tell him you already said yes to him, but you're not comfortable with them together in there with you, and that veteran or not, a freeloading hippie is a freeloading hippie. If you let them both stay in there you have just guaranteed yourself camp drama.

If he wants both of them to stay in there, tell him what his share of the bills are before you head out, and tell him you need a 50% deposit.

Personally, I'd kick his ass to the curb.

Thank you, Eric, for your advice. I guess I did sense that he is taking advantage/mooching, but it definitely helps make it more evident when someone outside of the situation points it out. This being my first time to BM, I didn't want to be selfish and not offer to share my shelter with someone who needed it. He doesn't have a lot of extra money and it's not a inconvenience for me to pay for the RV stuff, so I wouldn't ask him to contribute financially.. I just hoped he would contribute by agreeing with whatever ground rules we came up with together. Thank you for being a voice of reason! It was really helpful to read your response. I'm going to try to talk to him tonight about maybe him finding a different place to sleep.

[FIGJAM]

The space in the RV is going to shrink proportionally to the amount of drama inside!

Your RV means your rules.

[SeekingAdvicePlease]

He's pretty much told you it's going to happen. That means if you don't kick him out, you have to live with the possibility that he's going to do it.

If you wait until after he's crossed the line, then you have to deal with the drama of kicking him out AND ALSO have to watch the RV-a-rockin'.

Either be OK with whatever happens, or make it impossible.

You're right, thank you for adding your advice. I appreciate it! I was putting off being confrontational or mean because I just didn't want any drama, but you're 100% right - if I don't deal with this now, then it's just going to be even worse once I get there.

[SeekingAdvicePlease]

-If he isn't in the RV, his plan is to sleep in his truck.

Well, there is your answer.

I would feel so bad if I was in my RV all comfy and relatively dust-free and looked out my window to see him uncomfortable and suffering in his truck. I really feel fortunate to be able to attend BM and bring a RV, and really didn't want to be selfish or ban people from being in there.. I guess if he isn't willing to agree with some rules though that it wouldn't be selfish of me to ask him not to sleep there.

[FIGJAM]

You can still be a safe haven during a white out without them being in your lap the whole time.

[SeekingAdvicePlease]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pi7gwX7rjOw
I had to throw it out there.

Sorry, my computer is being weird/slow and couldn't get the video to play. If the title of the video means you're suggesting a three-some with the EX and the new GF- who knows.. it could happen. I had a few threesomes with him when we were a couple and they were generally enjoyable. I just have no idea how I will feel about it until I get there. Who knows, maybe I'm making a huge deal out of something small and everything will be fine.. I'll be sure to report back after the burn to entertain you all with the story of what ends up happening for better or worse.

[SeekingAdvicePlease]

He and his girlfriend need to find another space to sleep/have sex.

Sharing an RV, even with a partner, is a tricky situation;
His responses to your reasonable requests do not bode well for a shared living space (with anyone).

You've paid his dues, that's enough thanks for inviting you to the camp.
Find another girl to share the RV with, someone that agrees to your ground rules.

You definitely don't want to spend your first burn in his lap.

Good luck!

Thank you for your advice! I'm definitely liking the idea of sharing the RV with another girl. I think I will just go without making any arrangements beforehand and, when I get there, see if I click with anyone and see if any nice people would want to stay with me. I don't want to stay alone - I enjoy company!

[SeekingAdvicePlease]

The space in the RV is going to shrink proportionally to the amount of drama inside!

Your RV means your rules.

You're right, I hope I can keep it a relaxing sanctuary and not a tense drama-fest!

[SeekingAdvicePlease]

You can still be a safe haven during a white out without them being in your lap the whole time.

You're right. I've got to set some boundaries here! Thanks for the advice.

[Eric]

This being my first time to BM, I didn't want to be selfish and not offer to share my shelter with someone who needed it. He doesn't have a lot of extra money and it's not a inconvenience for me to pay for the RV stuff, so I wouldn't ask him to contribute financially.. I just hoped he would contribute by agreeing with whatever ground rules we came up with together.

He is fully aware of the first sentance, and is using it to his advantage. Paying his dues for a camp is all that you "owe" him (and even that was an amazingly nice gift to him). Period.

Look, I get doing the Burn poor - I was unemployed for two years, I still don't make a lot of money. Guess what, I work my ass off to fund this trip, I do extra jobs, I work out trades with friends, I do what I need to do to get there. I don't "ask" someone to give me something & then tell them my new rules for the gift. I don't take advantage of someone who's helping me out in some way.

I would feel so bad if I was in my RV all comfy and relatively dust-free and looked out my window to see him uncomfortable and suffering in his truck.

If he's really been to "6 Burning Mans" he knows what he's in for. He probably even had a back-up plan in case he couldn't convince you (maybe getting the new girlfriend to buy a tent).

Offer shelter in a white-out, and lock your RV when you're away lest you discover someone taking advantage of the bed...

[Savannah]

-If he isn't in the RV, his plan is to sleep in his truck.

Well, there is your answer.

I would feel so bad if I was in my RV all comfy and relatively dust-free and looked out my window to see him uncomfortable and suffering in his truck. I really feel fortunate to be able to attend BM and bring a RV, and really didn't want to be selfish or ban people from being in there.. I guess if he isn't willing to agree with some rules though that it wouldn't be selfish of me to ask him not to sleep there.

Don't feel bad or selfish. He took advantage of your good nature to try & squeak a whole extra person in there, and change the terms on you (terms that are yours to set) and won't even promise not to have sex a few feet away from you? Yikes. I'm kind of a bleeding heart, but I would never in a million years allow someone do that to me. No reasonable person would ask this of an Ex.

He may behave theatrically when you tell him "No", but that is not a signal that you have erred any more than when a child throws himself on the floor when denied a cookie.

[Lonesomebri]

Hey, space in an RV? I'll play by your rules. There, that takes care of the extra room in the RV, finding someone who respects your views and would like the space in your RV wasn't so hard. Otherwise I'll be out in the dust..... I promise not to have sex with his girlfriend while you are around. More than he's willing to offer. Might be kinda harsh on mister loverman but, yeah, it's the BURN !!!!

You can tell he's setting you up because you already know.

[CornMan]

Two words: sex tent.

[Drawingablank]

I really just have one hard and fast rule - no drama in camp. Quite frankly it seems like this situation is a soap opera waiting to happen. Nip it in the bud so you can enjoy your burn.

[Bob]

Sounds good that you have some sort of project to work on.

Ignore the ex, filter his emails, block his calls, and compost his letters until you get home from the Burning Man.

[Lonesomebri]

Sounds good that you have some sort of project to work on.

Ignore the ex, filter his emails, block his calls, and compost his letters until you get home from the Burning Man.

Totally right on. Kick him to the curb, after all he will surely understand (as he expects you to)-

"No promises! It's Burning Man! It gets pretty crazy!"

make him live the dream

sex tent.jpg

Give him a sex tent and tell him to find his own way.

[theCryptofishist]

Sorry, my computer is being weird/slow and couldn't get the video to play. If the title of the video means you're suggesting a three-some with the EX and the new GF- who knows.. it could happen. I had a few threesomes with him when we were a couple and they were generally enjoyable. I just have no idea how I will feel about it until I get there. Who knows, maybe I'm making a huge deal out of something small and everything will be fine.. I'll be sure to report back after the burn to entertain you all with the story of what ends up happening for better or worse.

You know (and I'm going to agree that this is not the advice you were looking for) this isn't something you have to announce to the whole world. It's TMI--not so much that I find it painful or horrifying--but in that it's not our business. You apparently have a job that pays you enough for a ticket and rv rental--now that sort of information getting back to your employers might make them uncomfortable. Or to put it another way, I don't have a problem with the way you're running your life (except if you let your ex manipulate you into putting up with something that makes you very uncomfortable), I just don't want you to get hurt. And I pretty sure that Jackass meant it as a joke, not a serious suggestion.

[dragonpilot]

RV life at Burning Man is very tricky...even amongst the best of friends. Most of us don't live with our best friends. When we live with them for 8 days of heat, dust, stank, dehydration, poor sleep...things can go south very quickly. Add a couple fucking away while you're trying to have a quiet cup of coffee in the morning is not my idea of a good time...even if they're strangers...compound your situation in that it's an ex...how cool is that?

I take a mixed group to the playa every year. One of my RV rulz is NO SEX INSIDE THE RV! Do it on the roof (and pay for damages), on the bike rack, or underneath, or in your tent...but not inside. We all bring tents for sleeping/changing/privacy. The RV is our storm refuge, kitchen, bathing place...not our boudoir of carnal pleasures...(what did I just say?)

[SeekingAdvicePlease]

RV life at Burning Man is very tricky...even amongst the best of friends. Most of us don't live with our best friends. When we live with them for 8 days of heat, dust, stank, dehydration, poor sleep...things can go south very quickly. Add a couple fucking away while you're trying to have a quiet cup of coffee in the morning is not my idea of a good time...even if they're strangers...compound your situation in that it's an ex...how cool is that?

I take a mixed group to the playa every year. One of my RV rulz is NO SEX INSIDE THE RV! Do it on the roof (and pay for damages), on the bike rack, or underneath, or in your tent...but not inside. We all bring tents for sleeping/changing/privacy. The RV is our storm refuge, kitchen, bathing place...not our boudoir of carnal pleasures...(what did I just say?)

Ok. I couldn't really understand if I was being weird to not want someone to have sex there when I was there. I guess all his talking just warped my mind..

As much as I have obsessively read over just about every thread of this forum and Google-ed advice for BM, it's different to talk to someone in person (the EX) and I just didn't want to do something wrong being a BM virgin. Your advice, and the advice of many of the other people who posted in this thread have really set my mind right.

On a happier note, one of my more artsy friends is coming over today to help me decorate and spruce up my RV! I'm really excited to be going and I don't feel guilty anymore because it's become really clear that he was the one being unreasonable. I have a lot of gratitude for you all helping me see what's really going on and helping me prepare for this! I think I just let me emotions get the best of me because of the history with the EX. With the thousands of people who will be there, why should I waste my time with someone who is taking advantage of me? No mas..

[SeekingAdvicePlease]

Sorry, my computer is being weird/slow and couldn't get the video to play. If the title of the video means you're suggesting a three-some with the EX and the new GF- who knows.. it could happen. I had a few threesomes with him when we were a couple and they were generally enjoyable. I just have no idea how I will feel about it until I get there. Who knows, maybe I'm making a huge deal out of something small and everything will be fine.. I'll be sure to report back after the burn to entertain you all with the story of what ends up happening for better or worse.

You know (and I'm going to agree that this is not the advice you were looking for) this isn't something you have to announce to the whole world. It's TMI--not so much that I find it painful or horrifying--but in that it's not our business. You apparently have a job that pays you enough for a ticket and rv rental--now that sort of information getting back to your employers might make them uncomfortable. Or to put it another way, I don't have a problem with the way you're running your life (except if you let your ex manipulate you into putting up with something that makes you very uncomfortable), I just don't want you to get hurt. And I pretty sure that Jackass meant it as a joke, not a serious suggestion.

Thank you for taking the time to offer your advice. I have read a lot of your posts on this forum and really respect you and what you say. It's also really clear to me that you have the love and respect of many other burners.

Oops, I guess I did over-share. I am trying to be open-minded and consider all angles .... from reading this board I know that sometimes people post jokes/snarky responses and I just want to get all the help I can get. As far as my EX manipulating me, I've always had problems with emotionally-abusive relationships. (oops, over-shared..). It's something that I'm aware of and am really putting a lot of effort into correcting.

After a good nights sleep, I feel 100% better about this situation. As a few others have pointed out, I don't owe it to him to provide him and his GF a RV shelter. I'm much better off just getting there, interacting with my fellow campers & burners, and offering other things to contribute that don't test my personal boundaries.

Oh, and I'm self-employed. I've told anyone who will listen that I'm going to BM, and several of my employees are intrigued/amused by my trip! Some friends and employees have said that they've always wanted to go, and I've directed them to this forum to research/look at tickets to prepare for next year. I guess it's just always been my nature - I'm an open-book and really have gotten to the point where I'm indifferent to other people's judgement. I'm in my early-20s, often times operate on my feelings, not on logic, and just am sort of still learning how to set boundaries. Damn. I think I over-shared again...?

[SeekingAdvicePlease]

Sounds good that you have some sort of project to work on.

Ignore the ex, filter his emails, block his calls, and compost his letters until you get home from the Burning Man.

Totally right on. Kick him to the curb, after all he will surely understand (as he expects you to)-

"No promises! It's Burning Man! It gets pretty crazy!"

make him live the dream

sex tent.jpg

Give him a sex tent and tell him to find his own way.

Haha, your post made me start laughing! How nice that a complete stranger can have this delightful effect on me

As far as giving him a sex tent, I think I've given him enough so far.

[SeekingAdvicePlease]

I really just have one hard and fast rule - no drama in camp. Quite frankly it seems like this situation is a soap opera waiting to happen. Nip it in the bud so you can enjoy your burn.

Thank you for your advice. I have enjoyed reading your posts on this forum.

I intend to be no where near him when possible, and if he tries to press me or make me feel guilty, I will just say, "Sorry, I am not comfortable with that." It will actually feel good to stand up to him!

I'm going back to decorating my RV now! Happy thoughts hehe