scott_k wrote:Correct me if I'm wrong, but it appears that you are saying that you feel that anyone who considers them self to be a rape victim is entitled to publicly naming their alleged attacker without due process. As another man who has been threatened of being falsely accused of rape (I have pages of emails and text messages stating the perpetrator's intentions), I am disgusted that you think it is acceptable to tarnish any man or woman's reputation without due process. Such accusations could be career-ending for an individual, regardless of if they are untrue and thrown out in court.
You yourself have said
omgrey wrote: as a culture, we think that "actual rapists" go to jail. They don't.
How are you going to change that by stripping people of their right to due process? I am in no way siding with the rapist, and I think it's absolutely awful that this has happened. However, If the victim desires to bring the rapist to justice, it is incumbent upon him/ her to take every opportunity to collect evidence. Due process is how we protect the rights of the innocent, and YES IT DOES MATTER.
I'd be very interested in hearing the details of your threatened accusation. Why is she threatening you?
"Tarnishing" a reputation, that is, making things a little uncomfortable for an accused for awhile and perhaps having him/her answer to accusations publicly in their community, is an acceptable risk when *1600 women are raped every day* and *97% rapists walk free,* especially when rape survivors are shunned and shamed into silence.
Due process *isn't working* with this issue. There is "reasonable doubt" 97% of the time. And "reasonable doubt" is the accused rapist saying, "I thought it was consensual." I'm not going to write an essay on this board about how this is a cultural issue, as
this thread is about Rachel's daughter and what we can do to help her, but I've written extensively about it on my blog. It's been written about all over the internet if you care to look. Read the post called "
A Nightmare Scenario," and that's what I'm talking about. Read the posts I've linked to in previous comments.
A "tarnished" reputation is a risk I'm willing to take to stop thousands of women from having their lives ruined for years, if not forever. As far as a career-ender, I'd be really surprised unless it is a professor or teacher or another position of authority like that who is accused of hurting a student. In my experience, as I've previously stated, along with virtually *everything* I read about the issue, the victim isn't believed and the accused is embraced.
Due process is about convictions. Naming a rapist doesn't send them to prison. It doesn't even really hurt their reputation that much. There might be whispers, and people might watch a little more closely, and GOD FORBID, the accused might have to be careful about crossing boundaries and getting consent. Truly. A nightmare!
This isn't about prison or convictions.
This about protecting women and men from rape.
This is about making victims feel safe and believed and heard.
This is about giving them a voice.
This is about *1600 women raped every. single. day.*
This is about 97% of rapists walking free.
As far as the rights of the innocent? What about those 1600 women every day?
What about women who are so ashamed they can't even come forward?
What about women who have to continue to work with their rapist?
Live with their rapist?
Go to school with their rapist?
Bummer that someone is threatening to accuse you, and perhaps you didn't violate her.
But perhaps you did, and you just don't consider it "rape," or maybe not "legitimate rape."
Maybe it's just an "issue with boundaries." Maybe she's "exaggerating." Or is it "buyer's remorse"?
I obviously don't know the details, but I'd be very interested in hearing them.
My rapist claims it's a "false accusation," too. Of course he does. I've been extremely vocal about it on my blog and elsewhere, although I've never outed him by name. He, actually, outed himself on FB. Still, his reputation isn't "tarnished." It was I who was ostracized, shunned, shamed, called a liar. In all of this,
maybe he's had an uncomfortable few weeks, but I've endured 6 months (and counting) of being barely functional and suffering severe PTSD. So, I don't have a lot of sympathy for the accused, not when so many women are raped and discarded and forgotten while the rapist goes on to do more damage. If someone's accused, there's usually a reason, even if they don't consider it "rape," something traumatic and/or abusive happened.
That's what any accused should be asking themselves, and that's what the community should question them about, too: Why is she accusing me? Why did she think consent was removed/not given and I don't? Did she freeze up and I just wasn't present enough to notice? Was she pushing me away? Scared? Did I cross some boundaries?
And what I look for is how the accused responds. Is it "the bitch is crazy" or "has issues," or does he ask the above questions? Is there after care and finding out why she feels this way? Are there steps to make amends?
What I do know is that, as a survivor, it never even crossed my mind to accuse someone of rape, even after I was raped. It took five months of intense therapy and talking to 8 different sexual assault professionals and three police officers for me to even begin to accept that it was, indeed, rape. That, in and of itself, was traumatizing. To admit you've been raped, especially by someone you loved and trusted so deeply. I've never met a woman who wants to be a rape victim, which is why so many women I've talked to have kept quiet about their assaults and often don't even use
The R Word. It's too horrific to accept. And, it really is.
Where are my rights? Where does all that money for therapy come from? Where is my freedom? When I had to *leave the state* and move 2,000 miles away because I was so afraid to go anywhere. Where is the protection of my rights? My due process? What about my inability to make love to my husband? To be sexual at all? What about the days lost crying in near catatonia? What about the unending fear and loss of trust? Where is my compensation for that?
Yes. I thought so.
Please, don't question me again until you do some fucking research. It's all I've done for the past 3 months.
