Tips for the High Maintenance Girlfriend

[Skankest]

I'm bringing my girlfriend to the playa for the first time. The rugged environment is one of my favorite parts of the burn... but I'd like to ease my girlfriend into the experience. She's a bit high maintenance although she will go on backpacking trips with me (as long as I carry all the gear). I'd like to make her first trip to the playa a success and to keep everything as stress free as possible on our relationship.

Any tips on how to make her life more comfortable on the playa? Any other experienced high maintenance burners or people in relationships with them?

[MacGlenver]

I'll state the obvious: don't take her to the playa. This sounds like a recipe for misery.

Edit:
Did she express a specific interest in going, or did you have to twist her arm to go? If you're forcing her to go and she hates it, then you've got a big problem. If she just bit off more than she could chew, that will probably be a different story.

Some tips just to be nice: get a good tent, make sure she has a mask and camelbak. Make sure she's been warned of all hardships, and maybe lay down some ground rules about how much she is allowed to bitch if she gets upset.

Second Edit:
She makes you carry all her gear while backpacking... Jesus chr*bites tongue*

[VultureChow]

Bring small extra tent. Even just a one man backpacking tent so you sleep apart if it all goes to shit.

Make a list of her triggers. Things that she bitches about if she can't get them. Things that start arguments.

Then start addressing each one and find a way to mitigate or eliminate that problem.

If the list takes more than one page, then leave her home and find a new girlfriend at the burn.

[Roberto Dobbisano]

you are but one, in a long line of sparkle mules.


http://eplaya.burningman.org/viewtopic. ... &start=540

[Skankest]

We've been together for five years. I went to the burn twice before we started dating and have since been traveling to other countries with her instead. We are used to going into stressful situations together, but it does come with a little extra work. She's always wanted to go to Burning Man and even more after finding out I've gone. I think she will love it, but I've read all the horror stories and want to make it as easy as possible.

Funny one about ground rules about how much she can bitch, VultureChow. I can just picture myself trying to explain that she has passed the bitch threshold during an argument.

The list of her triggers is a good idea. If I use small enough font, I can make anything fit on one page. Joking, she's not that bad... she can just get stressed easily and I know the first couple days for a virgin can be stressful on it's own. Anything I can do to ease it will go a long ways.

[Savannah]

If she's genuinely interested in going and will read the Survival Guide and take some responsibility for packing and thinking, well, maybe it'll work. You know her better than we do. If she's on the fence, don't persuade her, but try to figure out what your motivation is in bringing her, and whether that holds up when you really think about it. Not everyone is meant to Burn. I wouldn't invite my best friend, for example. I don't think she would do well out there, and it's just not her thing.

. . . If you've been burning since 2004, you've probably already seen the Relationship Survival Guide.
http://www.burningman.com/preparation/e ... dNLd-ur9DY

Anyway, if you're determined to Burn with a high maintenance person (and I do not specifically recommend it) I'd be really clear on what she values most in comforts (rank the three or four most important in order) and help her with those. For example, some folks do okay with basic food, but not without showers. Or some can deal with most anything if they have a real mattress and can cook dinner every night. So figure out what the most important things are and talk to her about them. If she's a clean freak, she'll want travel lysol and lots of mini sanitizers. If she loves clothes, make sure her warm coat is something she will enjoy wearing out to a rave when it's 40F so she doesn't take your coat or beg to stay in. If she is high maintenance about certain parts of her body, she's gotta be ready for that. For example, if she cares a lot about her nails, warn her that they will break, so bring trimmers and a file but save the manicure for after the playa, bring "liquid bandage" for her cuticles (and yours), and work gloves that fit. If she cares a lot about her hair, warn her that she's going to need things to wrap it at least sometimes to keep it less dusty or damaged; scarves, hoods, maybe some inexpensive party wigs. And make sure she has moisture remedies for every part of her body--saline for eyes and nose, lotions and balms, etc. Warn her to bring tampons and similar--'cause stress can cause surprises--and a little plastic lined kit bag for the bathroom so she can carry in extra 1-ply and a flashlight etc, and tote tampons or wipes back out again, 'cause they cause clogs and if they're bad enough the sanitation companies grumble about servicing the event at all. And to park her butt on the seat in the portapotties, because certain among my female friends will yell at the person who just left the biffy if they were rude and hovered and sprinkled the seat for the next person. If she's that worried about sitting down, that's what travel lysol is for. Or pee funnels like the Freshette, but those require practice.

The above advice might be good for anyone, but when I think of high-maintenance people, such things leap to mind first.

Everything that people are gets magnified out there, so be ready. Good luck.

[tamarakay]

Hydration, food, and rest.

Make a pact that if either one of you says "you need to (eat) (drink) (sleep)" you DO IT without argument. Having said that, sometimes all you can do is stand there and hand feed her (or him) bacon till the bitching stops.

[lucky420]

are you a glutton for punishment?? Will you please post after the burn and let us know if your still with the high maintenance girlfriend?

I cant imagine taking along anyone who I thought could remotely "harsh my burn"

Are you sure you want to do this?

are
you
sure
?

[Skankest]

Great tips Savannah! Pocket bacon is going on my list, Tamarakey.

We have both read the relationship guide and she is reading up everything that Jack Rabbit suggests. Some of this probably stresses her out more, but I figure it's best to get it out of the way. She is genuinely interested in going. I was the one saying we shouldn't go together and she pushed me into it. If she is in the right mindset she will love it... just need to make sure she is in the right mindset.

I've gone to the burn once before with a girlfriend and it worked out alright (although not as much fun as by myself). One of the big issues was she didn't want to sleep alone in camp... meaning when she was tired it was my bedtime. My girlfriend now isn't one to want to stop early, but still a concern.

[maladroit]

She has always wanted to go? Is a world traveler and does ok in stressful situations?

You might actually be the problem here, not her.

Just make sure she's reading the Survival Guide, and treat her like a competent fellow human being. Nobody likes to be treated like a child.

[Tiffadactyl]

Give her some credit dude, it kind of sounds like you have the issue. You may be projecting YOUR apprehension about her attending the burn onto her. She will be fine. Just be the fun loving Euro traveling self she loves and have an awesome time. Make sure you guys take time to do some things alone. Set up a meeting time and place in case you get separated. Synchronize your watches.Make sure neither of you get dehydrated (as in both of you need a camelback). Have clear definitions of the boundaries of you and your girl before you get there. Do something special for her there. At my first burn the guy who brought me gave me a gift that he had made me on burn night. It meant so much, we had been through so much together by then.Just some thoughts! Spare tent in case is not a bad idea. GOOD LUCK! -Tiffadactyl

[marcgorcey]

You should also draw a line in your mind as to how much 'maintenance' you're willing to give. If she passes that line, then maybe it's time to move on to another ... camp.

[GreyCoyote]

If you have been co-existing for five years, you should be ok. Make sure you each get some space, and make sure she isnt feeling "second" to anything. Spend some exclusive and private time together every day, outside of sex. Care for her feet and brush her hair. Make sure she is well-lighted and hydrated. And remember that cool baby wipes are your friend.

[Skankest]

I never said there was a problem, Maladroit and Taffadactyl. I just want to be prepared so I can make sure she is happy. I like the idea of a special gift at the burn. We've already planned to have tons of water and snacks on both of us. An ill timed meal doesn't sit well on either of our moods. Private time may also be a bit tricky. If she is feeling nervous or apprehensive she is going to want to have me around the whole time. That was one of my personal worries, but I'm willing to forgo if it makes the trip more fun in the long run.

What is this private time outside of sex that you're talking about, GreyCoyote? The picture of me brushing her hair like out of a 50's TV show is hilarious, but I get what you're saying.

[oscillator]

Ask her what the difference is between a Comfort Zone and Magic.

If the response is 'there is no difference' you have your work cutout for you. Bon Chance!

[Skankest]

More of what I'm looking for is tips on things to bring that could make her more comfortable. Any tips on things to keep her clean(ish), for makeup, for hair, things she should carry on her at all times (outside of the normal list), things for the camp (outside of the normal list). Basically things I'd never think of as a laid back male. I'm not that worried about the relationship... more about the making sure BM is a positive experience.

[GreyCoyote]

Tell her she looks wonderful coated with the playa dust. Call her your "Dust Faerie". Worship her and BE HER BURN.

Next year, she owes ya one, and you might be surprised how she returns the favor!

[Nipple]

more about the making sure BM is a positive experience.

That may be one expectation too far, she's the ultimate captain of that boat. When the time comes, you may not even be allowed in the pilothouse.

It's hard, by design. That's a bit of the reason behind "Radical Self Reliance" and "Communal Effort".



Be prepared for it to be a negative experience, with positive (or even more negative) repercussions.

(I feel like ultimately that's a good thing, and the point. Keep Burning Man potentially shitty.)

[Savannah]

More of what I'm looking for is tips on things to bring that could make her more comfortable. Any tips on things to keep her clean(ish), for makeup, for hair, things she should carry on her at all times (outside of the normal list), things for the camp (outside of the normal list). Basically things I'd never think of as a laid back male. I'm not that worried about the relationship... more about the making sure BM is a positive experience.

The Q&A Tips & Tricks and Clothing and Playawear have a ton of resources for this. Google a keyword + eplaya. That's how I found these, from which I just remembered a few nouns.

First Aid Kit - What's needed? <--A good thing to take seriously.
http://eplaya.burningman.org/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=62276
Emergency Services is awesome and free, but it's still a walk or a bike ride to get there unless you're badly hurt and they send a Quick Response Vehicle.

Is she shy? I'm guessing she might be:

If she is feeling nervous or apprehensive she is going to want to have me around the whole time.

Tips for Shy People at Burning Man
http://eplaya.burningman.org/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=45094

Garden Sprayers?
http://eplaya.burningman.org/viewtopic.php?t=35240

Seeking tips for taming long hair on the playa
http://eplaya.burningman.org/viewtopic. ... 79&t=55540

Share your favorite "playa" Makeup!
http://eplaya.burningman.org/viewtopic.php?t=32968

That is the work of less than 5 minutes.

more about the making sure BM is a positive experience.

That may be one expectation too far, she's the ultimate captain of that boat. When the time comes, you may not even be allowed in the pilothouse.

It's hard, by design. That's a bit of the reason behind "Radical Self Reliance" and "Communal Effort".



Be prepared for it to be a negative experience, with positive (or even more negative) repercussions.

TRUE.

[lucky420]

Here's an idea!

Show your "high maintenance girlfriend" this thread and see how she reacts

[Savannah]

Here's an idea!

Show your "high maintenance girlfriend" this thread and see how she reacts

To no one in particular . . . I imagine that the OP's girlfriend could be actually anywhere along the continuum of high maintenance (as other folks have wondered; I know I'm not being original here) but he sorta wants to give her a Grand Experience, as a present. He's apprehensive that she's not going to love it as much as he hopes she will, and he really wants to blow her socks off. It's like introducing your girlfriend to your eccentric but beloved family, and trying to smooth the way a little.

[Sunny D]

I would suggest bringing two tents. Tent One: is for sleeping and should be comfortable, include an air mattress, fan and led light. In the tent pockets it would be a good idea to have extra ear plugs and sleeping eye mask and an extra water bottle as well. Tent Two: could be the wardrobe/storage tent. Have a tiny fold out chair she can sit on more comfortably so she can do her make up and hair, do a good cleanup with wipes, have time alone, etc. Have a fan and led light in there as well. Bring a bottle of B-complex vitamins and vitamin c. These greatly support the endocrine system for better sleep and mood stability. Make sure she is well fed, well hydrated, doesn't drink too much alcohol, and also make sure that there will be low tolerance given on nagging/negative energy!

[tamarakay]

Oh! I almost forgot. Bring her by Dye with Dignity at Barbie Death Camp on Tuesday afternoon and the two of you can dye a silk scarf!

[some seeing eye]

Preparation and recovery if things get irritating.

Good suggestions on bringing/ making possible the things that attract her to the event. I've seen one or two boys and girls at the event who will spend hours on makeup and costuming before going out - just like home! Many burners get extensions or clip on extensions, so an excuse to play with that experience. I can barely bring a camping hand mirror for shaving, forgetting it more years than not, but it's not uncommon to see almost full length mirrors and even makeup mirrors. Easy thrift store items. Maybe land yourself in a camp with other women who like the same thing if she enjoys that as a group. Playa fashion is well developed and several ePlayans have listed playa fashion pinterests. Comfortable playa usable foot wear(s). Make a visit to the Hebegebe Healers camp, you have to make appointments for body work right when they open each day, don't know where they will be, heard Nectar Village is dissolved.

Comfort foods, comfort body care items which are playa proof, I'm a big fan of the daily camp shower. Friends around for the times when we get irritated. Special surprises. Consider the Barbie Death Village hotel to wash and eat something outbound before the trip home. Plenty of checking in on vibes. If it seems right capturing her stories each day in sound and video, the first year is always special!

If you have traveled together internationally in stressful environments and survived, you will do fine.

[Skankest]

I like the two tents idea (not in case we brake up as originally discussed but for a Sunny D's changing area suggestion). I'm also building a yort (albiet a small one). The portable fan, portable chairs, and vitamins are also a keepers!

I'll do my best with the alcohol intake. Our trick for over drinking is to take a couple charcoal pills before going to sleep. It absorbs all the alcohol in your stomach and doesn't let your body process it. Basically what happens if you get your stomach pumped, but not as hard core.

To Savannah's last comment... I probably overstated the high maintenance aspect a bit. I'm right with you on your post. I find myself coming out of Burning Man a better person every time I go. I want her to be able to find the same things and hopefully we will come out better as a couple. Plus, come back together again next year. To the other threads you found and posted, these are great! Thanks!

lucky420, she knows I'm on this thread and has read some of it. She's actually sitting right next to me as I'm typing this. She doesn't like being called High Maintenance though.

SomeSeeingEye, great to hear a positive perspective. Halloween is her favorite holiday so dressing up is one of the things she is most excited about. I've been looking for good examples of what people wear, although anything goes. I'll have to track down those pinterest sites and share them with her. I think that would help.

Normally when I Burn, I don't bring anything with me except a sheet, a tarp, food, drink, necessities, and something to contribute with. I don't spend much time in my own camp except to pass out. Thats why I want to make sure to tailor the trip a little more for her comfort zone.

Thanks everyone for all the advise!!!

[Jackass]

Bring yourself a wife-sitter, you know that best friend of her's that will keep her endlessly occupied and content. My married friends swear by them...

[lucky420]

Yes I thought she probably would have a wee bit of a problem with the "high maintenance" bit.

I just think that you are over thinking it a bit, but maybe not. Your girlfriend sounds intelligent and I just think that maybe you're not giving here enough credit.

I do hope you two have a grand time of it.

[Elderberry]

Oh! I almost forgot. Bring her by Dye with Dignity at Barbie Death Camp on Tuesday afternoon and the two of you can dye a silk scarf!

Or drown her in a dye bucket.

[Elderberry]

she will go on backpacking trips with me (as long as I carry all the gear).

Leave her home.

[maladroit]

she will go on backpacking trips with me (as long as I carry all the gear)[/size].

Leave her home.

It's also entirely possible (based on this thread) that the original poster insists on carrying all the gear without realizing it. She recognizes that he gets a kick out of being the provider-figure and lets him run with his fantasy.