your stupid joke here

[TomServo]

What's grey and comes in quarts?

An elephant.

[Dr. Pyro]

You know how to stop your dog from humping your leg?

Pick him up and blow him.

[FIGJAM]

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: 'OK, now what'?"

[knowmad]

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vet's office. One is a Poodle, one is a Schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane. The Poodle turns to the Schnauzer and asks, "Why are you here?"

The Schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The Schnauzer asks the poodle, "Why are you here?"

The Poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The Poodle and Schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here. The Great Dane responds, "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing her doggie style. I just couldn't help myself."

The Poodle asks, "So your owner brought you here to be put to sleep?"

The Great Dane says, "No, I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

[Ugly Dougly]

It seems that a gentleman had an urge to go hunting of an autumn morn, don't you know?
But alas, he traveled up hill and down dale in search of something to shoot.
Presently he came upon a beautiful naked lady, lounging suggestively beneath a tall spruce tree.
He said, "I say! Are you game?"
She said, "Oh, yes, big boy, am I ever game!"
So he shot her.

[TomServo]

What's the difference between the Iraq war and th Vietnam war?

Bush had a plan to get out of the Vietnam war.

[Bounce530]

If you put your ear up to somebody else's ear you'll hear the words,
"What the fuck are you doing?"

[goathead]

something about Kermit's finger

[TomServo]

How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They screw in dirty fucking sleeping bags.



.....sorry if that's a repeat

[FIGJAM]

I went to the best toddler hypnotist in the world to help me quit smoking.


She said" You are getting seepy, vewy, vewy seepy."


And I woke up in a puddle!!!

[Dr. Pyro]

not only is that joke stupid, it's not even funny

[TomServo]

Q: How many Burners does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: WOOHOO!

[Thecatman]

BUMP! I heard what I thought was a funny joke on KOH yesterday, Friday, so I thought I'd resurrect this thread.

A husband and wife wake up one morning. The husband starts getting ready for work. His wife says to him, "last night I dreamed that you bought me a beautiful diamond necklace". The wife goes on and asked "what do you think that means"? To which the husband replies, "you'll find out tonight" and gives her a wink and leaves for work. That evening he comes home from work with a gift wrapped present and give it to his wife. Excitedly she opens it and there's a book titled "The Meaning of Dreams".

[Lonesomebri]

What a shitty flash mob, just a bunch of my friends and relatives sitting around my house telling me I need to stop drinking.

[GreyCoyote]

A limerick for all you Nerds:

Once there was a little boy, but now he is no more...
For what he thought was H2O, was H2SO4.

(See? I TOLD you it was bad. heheheh).

[theCryptofishist]

A limerick for all you Nerds:

Once there was a little boy, but now he is no more...
For what he thought was H2O, was H2SO4.

(See? I TOLD you it was bad. heheheh).

So bad, it's not even a limerick...

[GreyCoyote]

Hey: I gave fair warning that it was complete and total crap. I am therefore absolved of all possible ill effects.

But yeah. Fishie is right. heheheh. LAME!

[ranger magnum]

A boy asked his father what's the difference between theory and reality.
The fathers says "son, go in the kitchen and ask your mother if she would have sex with the next door neighbor for $500,000"
The boy does as his father asks.
In a few minutes the boy returns and says "yea dad, mom said she would."
"Very well then, now go upstairs and ask your sister the same question"
Perplexed, the boy again does as his father asks.
The boy comes back downstairs and says "Yup, sis said she would totally do it".
"There is your answer" the father says. "In theory we're sitting on a million bucks, but in reality we live with a couple whores!"

[ranger magnum]

A young man decides to propose to his girlfriend. Being a bit old fashioned, he wants to ask her father for permission.
As the young man and the father are chatting, the young man asks the father for his daughters hand in marriage.
The father says "Sure, you can marry my daughter, but I must warn you, she has acute angina."
"I know!" The young man says. "And great tits too!"

[Ratty]

How many Jewish Mothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, "I'll just sit in the dark and suffer".

[asr9754]

A bear walks into a bar, promptly devours a drunk skanky woman by the pool table, and then orders a drink.
The bartender says: I can't serve you.
The bear asks: Why not?
The bartender replies: We don't serve drug-addicts in this place
The bear defends: I'm not on drugs!
Bartender: "What about that bar-bitch-you-ate?"

[theCryptofishist]

There are two kinds of cripples, those who sit down to pee, and












... those who sit down to pee.



[Yes, I know that's not accurate, and that it's privileging my particular disability as better or "realler" than others. But it has weird resonances about disability, and gender, and whatnot, that it just tickles me. Also, I wanted to use square brackets. My life needs more square brackets.]

[Eric]

How many Jewish Mothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, "I'll just sit in the dark and suffer".

I think that belongs in this thread, which was comic relief from the week that tickets sold out For The Very First Time Ever (ie: Hell on ePlaya)

[GreyCoyote]

A Chinese businessman arriving at Heathrow Airport approaches a money changer and exchanges 10,000 Yuan for 1,000 pounds Sterling. He pockets the bills and goes on his merry way.

A month later the same businessman arrives at Heathrow and plonks-down 10,000 Yuan and gets back only 900 pounds Sterling. The businessman becomes very irate and demands an immediate explanation from the money changer.

"Fluctuations" says the bored teller.

The businessman is completely incensed, throwing his money into the face of the teller and screaming "Oh yah? OH YAH? FLUCTUATIONS?!?!? WELL FLUCK YOU BLITISH TOO!!!!"

[fernley1]

How do you make a hormone?

Dont pay her.

[tatonka]

[Patsh]

A world renowned cardiologist died, and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow physicians, family members, friends. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said,
"I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

[theCryptofishist]

Dermatologist would be just weird... As would oncologist. Ear nose and throat...

[theCryptofishist]

Osteopath would be magnificent.

[Patsh]

Oh... the visuals!

(where the hell are the stupid screen wipes when I really need them!!)