Well, in the absence of expertise will being a blow hard do? ;)Das Bus wrote:....
So all you experts out there - what do you do when one person wants to be poly and the other one is scared/worried/unsure?.... )
My wife and I have been together since I was 14 and she was 18, around 23 years now. But we started out in a triad and have been non-monogamous for all about about two or three of those years, in the first 1/3 of our relationship. During that time she decided that poly would inevitably lead to heatache as she'd had three or four lovers of hers decide that they had to have her exclusively and forced her to make a choice between themselves and me. In my experience those who force choices lose, just so you know. But then there's the exception as well...
She told me I could have non-monogamy or be with her, my choice. I told her that I'd rather be with her than with my philosophy and so we made a run at monogamy. And I was awful at it. Over the next two years I did my best but ended up coming home and tearfully confession my latest indiscretion three or four times. I've got a compulsion for honesty and was learning that my preference for poly was more than a philosophical bent but closer to a issue of sexual wiring. Not only was I unwilling to consistently not have sex when the opportunities presented themselves, but when I would turn it down I got no satisfaction from doing so. I was miserable when I didn't play with others, and guilt ridden and miserable when I did. Bad spot for Ron to be in.
Now my wife, for her part, found that these tearful confessions were a non-issue for her. She wasn't happy that I couldn't keep my dick in my pants, but as long as stds were addressed she didn't really care either. And thus began the first in a long series of compromises. She didn't want other lovers herself, but I could have them as long as certain rules were followed. Over the years not only has that list of rules gotten smaller, but she's back into having lovers as well. All that to say, if each of you would rather be together and dealing with the difference between you, than apart and not, then there's always hope.
In terms of your own jealousy and insecurity, there are folk in the poly community who never, "get over," those feelings. At heart they tend to lie in a fear of abandonment, of your lover finding someone better. One way to deal with that is to simply work on your existing relationship. Make it as good as it can be, and make it part of the environment that makes you and your partner the best versions of yourselves you can each be. Truly listen to each other, look out for each other, and be a full and positive *partner* to your lover. If you achieve this you'll know them in a way no one else can and attain a kind of relationship security that is wonderful.
After all if you're part of making your lover a better version of themselves, in your own unique way, why would they ever leave? And if you're more involved in their personal development than you are in maintaining the status quo, and the hypothetical "greener grass," comes along, being poly means they can sample it without having to give you up at all. This is powerful, IME.
But the heart of addressing insecurity lies in strengthening your relationship with both your lover and yourself. Make a relationship that works very well for both of you. Know and love yourself well enough to be sure that you're a better you than you were yesterday and that you'd be just fine all on your own. And find the commitment to personal development that says, "If you'd be better off without me, you should go. If I'd be better off without you, I should go. Now, let's find ways to be best for each other," and you'll discover an insulating blanket that will hold some warmth, on the coldest of jealous nights.
But, always, to your own self be true. If you'd be better of with a monogamous boy, get one. If you're better off wrestling with these issues while with this boy, roll up your sleeves. And listen to yourself more than anyone else.
Make sense, and helpful?
Ron
